All entries by this author

“’Choke Up!’: An Aspiring Little League Coach’s Guide to Giving Useless Advice,” by Kevin Duffy

Oct 11th, 2023 | By

Welcome, aspiring Little League coaches. As a long-time coach myself, I’ve been brought in to address one of the most critical facets of this important community role. And trust me, unlike the first aid training and introduction to proper stretching that you’ve already received, I can guarantee you that what you learn from me today will be something you use early and often in your tenures coaching impressionable young men in the finer points of America’s Game. 

“Welcome, Cubic Zirconia Member™!” by Daniel Sennis

Oct 4th, 2023 | By

We’re so glad you’ve decided to stay at one of our thousands of Slightly Better Than Average™ hotels.

As a Cubic Zirconia Member™, you are entitled to park anywhere you like in the Denny’s lot next door! Just let Tad, the night manager over there know when he arrives for his shift at 8 because sometimes he forgets and calls for a tow!

“Audition Notice: ‘Doorman,'” by Steve Schutzman

Sep 27th, 2023 | By

The doorman will be cast from the large pool of doormen in New York City who went on to become professional stage actors in New York City after years of performing the most theatrical of jobs, being a doorman who must come to life for each person desiring entry, desiring exit, and then settle back on his stool after the dramatic moment of touching the brim of his cap, greeting and opening the door for someone. Symbolically, the doorman never enters and never exits. Neither does the actor in the play. All this requires such art that actors who have not been doormen would not succeed in the role. Here life leaks into art like blood between brothers. One would never ask a mule to play a horse, close as it might come in some ways.

“Overheard Announcements in the Delayed Flight to Feminism,” by Supriya Pant

Sep 20th, 2023 | By

Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for the all-women flight to pay parity. We have been calling out for passengers for a few decades but have a few concerns. If you’re people with small children, passengers requiring special assistance, people of color, or sometimes identify as a woman, you may be asked to get at the back of the line. You risk being deboarded if you make any noise. Otherwise, we will be at your service, with discount coupons and one free martini after hours on March 8th. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately 10 minutes, and let us remind you we do not consider pay negotiations very “ladylike.” Thank you.

“I’m a Box of Lettuce and I Revel in Your Shame,” Zack Fox Loehle

Sep 13th, 2023 | By

Hey there. It’s me. Yeah, me – the box of lettuce you bought two weeks ago and haven’t touched since. I see the shame on your face when you look at me in the fridge. And you know what? I love it.