“Mommy, fourth grade is so boring! Why do I have to go to school anyway?”

“That’s a very important question, honey! Let’s play a little game, okay?”

“I like games!”

“Okay, repeat after me: Would you like fries with that?”

 “I don’t get it, mommy.”

“That’s what the people who work at Burger King say. They’re working at what’s called a poverty-wage job.”

Dear students,

In light of the recent severe drop in temperature, we here at the university are quite worried that you might freeze to death. We want to make sure that you don’t. And we are going to do that by telling you not to.

Recently you received a legal summons or actionable complaint, hand-delivered to you at your residence or place of employment, regarding your unpaid taxes, unpaid rent, unpaid child support, marriage dissolution, property damage, felonious assault, drug trafficking, or other indictable activity. Please take a moment to rate your delivery so that we at Gammert and Daughters Legal Summons Delivery might improve our service to you.

Monday: Heads up, Aries! Life changes ahead! You thought your years of wiping noses and bottoms were over, but think again! It’s time for you to enroll in a program and get that nursing degree you’ve always longed for! Yes! It’s finally here! The world of caring for others awaits! Soon you will be the Angel in the White Cap, the Florence Nightingale you were always meant to be, emptying bedpans and changing adult diapers and tending and caring and washing and injecting people who need the kind of care only you can provide! Your future is calling, Aries!

All my friends have kids. Their friends have kids. Everyone has kids. Together, they meet and form a sticky kindergarten.