“‘Of course I’m Italian!’ Claims Non-Italian Actress Mia to Casting Director,” by Zoé Mahfouz

Jun 5th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“I don’t know why they didn’t hire me. I was perfect for the Italian lady role. I told them I was Italian and they have no way to verify that information, especially if my mom is Italian and she took my father’s name which would explain why my last name isn’t Italian!” stated up-and-coming actress Mia in fury while getting her forehead Botox injections.

“When I asked her if she knew the city of Venice in Italy, she said that she was very familiar with the pigeons, or as they call them in Italy, ‘the pigeonnos…'” said appalled casting director Sarah Halley Finn.

“Then I made the mistake to question her regarding her Italian knowledge and she answered with emphasis, ‘Calzone, frutti di mare, tiramisu!'”

“I have this whole thing under control,” struggling actress Mia said while manufacturing forged passports. “I have a Word document at home with a whole list of ethnicities I could play, like Grecque, Spanish, Jew, Tunisian, Syrian, Lebanese, Turkish, Romanian, Argentinian, and the list goes on!”

“This girl has been applying to every single role I’ve posted online for the past three years! I told her she couldn’t play a man’s part since she was obviously not a man, and she told me that I wasn’t ‘woke’!” said annoyed former casting director John Doe while swallowing a cocktail of Xanax, Valium, and Prozac.

“I have about a dozen wigs at home! So whenever they’re looking for a blonde, I send them a picture of me with a blonde wig, for a redhead, a redhead wig, and so on! I’m giving them everything on a silver platter and they still find ways to reject me!” said outraged wannabe actress Mia while making a foam latex prosthetic of her face.

“We banned her from Backstage, Actors Access, SAG, IMDb, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Pinterest… but she always finds a way to crawl back with a different identity. She is the Mata Hari of the screen industry,” declared a desperate Elon Musk, who launched a worldwide summit to put an end to this masquerade.


Pop culture’s rising star Zoé Mahfouz navigates life with the heaviest burden there is, an illness no doctor was able to cure: the Gift of Greatness. Wherever she goes, she just lights up the room with her humor, her wit, her intelligence. It is fair to say that she is the life of the party, but she actually is The Life itself. Did you know that the name “Zoé” actually meant “Life” in grec? Of course you didn’t, you peasant. Also, while you were busy reading this, Zoé Mahfouz already wrote her new soon-to-be Award-Winning screenplay, which is probably going to cause the next bidding war in Hollywood. Some people might even say she is the 3rd (female) Coen Brother. Well, mostly her mom but that still counts.

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