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Defenestration: December 2023

Hello, world! Welcome to the December 2023 issue of Defenestration!

I’m going to be honest with you. As I write this I’m preparing to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol with my family. We have pizza. We have soda. Our bodies and minds are prepared for the greatest Christmas movie to ever deck our halls. So I’m really not in the proper mindset to write a decent editorial. I could write about Muppets, certainly. I could write pages and pages about Muppets. But Kermit and his friends don’t really have anything to do with this latest issue of Defenestration. 

Defenestration: August 2023

Is it really time for a new issue of Defenestration? Has the summer really come and gone? It must be true, otherwise I wouldn’t be here typing these words: Welcome to the August 2023 issue of Defenestration!

This month’s issue starts off with a new take on an old joke and… well, I don’t want to say the issue gets progressively weirder after that, because it’s all pretty weird. We’ve got some teleportation, some shark attacks, and juuuust enough pocket monsters to be amusing without resulting in a cease and desist letter. There’s a bunch of other funny stuff, too, but if I told you all about them here it would ruin the surprise. I know you’re curious.

Defenestration: April 2023

It’s here. We’ve made it. Folks, we’ve made it to 20 volumes of Defenestration. That means we’ve officially hit the 20-year mark. This magazine is officially older than some of its contributors. I don’t have anything to say to commemorate this milestone, other than Defenestration is awesome, has always been awesome, and will continue to

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Nonfiction

“Fool Proof,” by David Riessen

I walk around the parking lot until I find a plastic shopping bag with the Two Guys Department Store name and logo printed on it. Two Guys sells discount clothes, fake wood furniture, and all sorts of crap – but most important to me, record albums. My dad bought me a compact stereo system as a graduation present ($149 wholesale from a family friend), but I owned no music. So I devised an ingenious plan: The Town of Tonawanda Two Guys Record Heist. It might be relevant to point out that I have plenty of money to buy, rather than steal, records. So why do I do it? Because it’s easy and exciting. And oh yeah, also because I’m an idiot.

Fake Nonfiction

“Third-Person Bio, Alternate Versions,” by Lynda Rushing

Third-Person Bio, Explained Like You’re Twelve

Lynda Rushing used to have a job cutting up dead people and looking at parts of living people to figure out why they died (the dead people) or why they’re sick (the living ones). She later became a lawyer who helped punish really mean bosses, and now spends her time writing stories about her life that you can read in magazines. (Although not always, or even usually.) She lives in one of the thirteen original colonies with her husband and her mom.

Fiction

“The Doogie Howler,” by Alex Dermody

An excited Professor Maxwell watched from behind his podium as the last Chemistry 101 students trickled into the lecture hall. Professor Maxwell wasn’t excited because today marked the start of another semester, or even because he loved teaching chemistry. Professor Maxwell was excited because he was an asshole. A fresh batch of doe-eyed pre-medical students meant another opportunity to give The Speech.

Poetry

“Consequences of Poor Planning in Winter,” by Colette Parris

I have no truck
with planning ahead, and thus
from a frosted upstairs window
watch my forlorn Mini Cooper disappear
beneath a white shroud
(and who knows
what the kid next door will charge
to dig it out)
a larger concern is the wind–
well, not the wind

Visuals

“Drone Delivery,” by David Quinby

For your Sunday enjoyment… a comic!

Ben & Winslow

Live Out Your Filthy, Goblin-Filled Dreams

Winslow has been involved in the fast-paced world of goblin erotica since at least 2012, when he hired a slightly defective Japanese robot to help him illustrate comics. Looking back at that older comic, it certainly seems… prescient.