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Defenestration: August 2023

Is it really time for a new issue of Defenestration? Has the summer really come and gone? It must be true, otherwise I wouldn’t be here typing these words: Welcome to the August 2023 issue of Defenestration!

This month’s issue starts off with a new take on an old joke and… well, I don’t want to say the issue gets progressively weirder after that, because it’s all pretty weird. We’ve got some teleportation, some shark attacks, and juuuust enough pocket monsters to be amusing without resulting in a cease and desist letter. There’s a bunch of other funny stuff, too, but if I told you all about them here it would ruin the surprise. I know you’re curious.

Defenestration: April 2023

It’s here. We’ve made it. Folks, we’ve made it to 20 volumes of Defenestration. That means we’ve officially hit the 20-year mark. This magazine is officially older than some of its contributors. I don’t have anything to say to commemorate this milestone, other than Defenestration is awesome, has always been awesome, and will continue to

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Defenestration: December 2022

It’s hard to believe we’ve already arrived at the last issue of the year, but here we are, folks. It’s December, 2022 is coming to a close, and the latest issue of Defenestration has arrived!

Once August’s issue came out, a bunch of weird stuff started happening. Bigfoot bought a hat, but that’s hardly noteworthy. Was IS noteworthy was that, someone, well, noteworthy, gave a shoutout to Defenestration, which caused a deluge of submissions for a month and a half. This isn’t an exaggeration, either. Normally we get a steady stream of submissions, but it got to a point where it was a struggle just to keep the inbox at 50 submissions or less. We’re a small operation with meager crew, most of whom are fictional, so that was a lot of stories and poems to read. I want you to keep that in mind as you read this month’s issue, because the stories and poems below were chosen from among the hundreds Eileen and I read over the past few months. It’s quite the badge of honor to be among the few chosen from the multitude.

Nonfiction

“French Toast around the Globe! A Celebration of the Fabled Breakfast Food for National French Toast Day, November 28,” by David Galef

French toast, also known as pain perdu, or lost pain, is a time-honored staple of frugal French housewives and househusbands (maris de maison) everywhere. It consists of stale bread that even le chien refused, lovingly bathed in egg and milk and fried in something called a poêle. It is then dusted with cinnamon and hung on the wall as decoration.

Fake Nonfiction

“Tiered Holiday Cards,” by Amy Marques

1. People you barely know, never think about, who always send you cards.

[standard card greeting – no handwritten note]

The Xs

Fiction

“The Old Joke,” by Lillie E. Franks

Okay, so there’s a flood. A man is caught in it, and he climbs up onto the roof of his house in order to escape the water. As he’s sitting there, another man comes by in a raft.

“Jump in!” the man says. “We can row to safety!”

The man on the roof says, “No, leave me. I have faith that God will save me.”

So the man in the raft paddles away.

Poetry

“And They Shall Inherit the Earth,” by Ping Yi

“We must live thriftily,” he said
to the next generation, waving
a pencil extender, with
not a little melodrama, and not a little hope.

Visuals

“Piano Lessons,” by Kate Sullivan

Do you remember how I was telling you about my piano teacher? Mrs. Haley was an old lady with white hair, glasses on a string, a Boston Terrier named Jerry and a house that smelled of old upholstery and stale coffee. Just the smell walking in used make my heart sink. That, and knowing that I hadn’t practiced.

Ben & Winslow

Live Out Your Filthy, Goblin-Filled Dreams

Winslow has been involved in the fast-paced world of goblin erotica since at least 2012, when he hired a slightly defective Japanese robot to help him illustrate comics. Looking back at that older comic, it certainly seems… prescient.