1. Go into the woods and find a tree that’s been growing for a bit, but not too long, but still for a while.

2. Rub a pencil on the bark of the tee.

3. Make yourself cry green tears and fill them with the bark.

Full disclosure, I am not the devil. I cannot damn you soul nor make Faustian bargains. Rather I am a simple warlock of humble means who is in need of a man’s soul for various occult purposes.

A West Jefferson, Ohio, cardboard box has filed a class action lawsuit against tens of millions of Americans, citing defamation, libel, slander, reputational damage, separation anxiety, social phobia, externalist angst, agoraphobia, panic disorder, PTSD, ADHD, and FOMO.

INGREDIENTS

An easily bruised heart
Mother issues
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup water

“Hi there! I’m Chip DeForsey for THE QUATRO, the Game Show Network’s fourth channel, and I’m here with Derek Bremer on his epic win tonight. Derek how long have you been playing Mario Kart?”