Hello, Hells Angels. I know it must be a surprise to see me up here—after all, most of you know me as Demon’s Claw, your New Initiate. But in reality, my name is Chet, and I’m a McKinsey Associate. Your president hired me last month to conduct a full review of the club and identify strategies for modernizing it, so I went undercover. I imagine some of you questioned why the new guy who couldn’t shoot a gun—or even ride a motorcycle—was trying to join Hells Angels, but I hope I won you over with my deep knowledge of the history of this organization and a seemingly endless supply of vulgar T-shirts.

Right after I quiet quit last year, I was like, “Yes! I showed you, Oppressive Chemistry Lab Overlords.” But then I was like, “Shit, this is boring,” so I got to work coming up with ways to fill that time. Who knew work actually made time go by faster?

As adjunct professors in philosophy and Latin American Studies, we try to eat as healthy as possible in an effort to avoid relying on our so-called healthcare (healthscare?) plan—a lifestyle choice that involves the regular purchase of various unaffordable items such as organic milk. Last month our world was rocked when we heard a segment on NPR about how most organic milk is just a drop better than conventional milk. We made the switch back to conventional milk, and though we found ourselves missing the organic label and the way it made us feel, we also found ourselves with an extra $7 a month.

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Kitchen Faucet

Really good. Pull up the handle and water comes out of it and doesn’t stop until you put the handle back down. Thought maybe there was a limit to the amount of water that could come out of it, but I’ve let it run for upwards of eighty-six hours on multiple occasions and it has never shown any signs of slowing. Seemingly has access to unlimited H2O. A quick google search suggests that “approximately 3.5 million people die each year due to inadequate water supply.” They should come to my apartment.