Do you tire of your decaying mansions, dusty attics, and all too quiet libraries? Fancy a view of the sea and the comforts of modern habitation? Do you dream of a place where friendly folks will welcome you into their homes and businesses like one of the family?

Look no further!

The pool of comedy writers at BBC Radio Scotland had no idea what was coming their way. What a great story to tell someday on Jimmy Fallon when my buddy Jimmy asks about my earliest writing credits and discovers they came from a show in Scotland. I’ve never even been there. I didn’t even need to, as I worked remotely.

Hey you! Yeah, you. The one nervously walking by me while I guard the sidewalk with my long-necked attitude. You think if you veer around me at an undignified trot, I’m not going to honk like a 1970s New York City cabdriver? Think again, my non-feathered friend.

It was bad enough when my watch would vibrate and tell me to stand. I long for the days of that simplicity. One tap would allow me to ignore it and resume watching a reality show about people who fold towels on a yacht, consume copious amounts of alcohol, and sleep with one another.

Dear Megan,

Hi. It’s me, Sharon. I know it’s been a while since you’ve been invited to my estate, but that’s what bitches like you who insult my swamp villa deserve. Anyway. I’m not writing this out of the goodness of my heart. Oh, no. My husband (Devon) wanted to invite you to some big get-together he’s hosting, and seeing as he’s illiterate, he asked me (begged me) to write it for him.