Fake Nonfiction

“Audition Notice: ‘Doorman,'” by Steve Schutzman

Sep 27th, 2023 | By

The doorman will be cast from the large pool of doormen in New York City who went on to become professional stage actors in New York City after years of performing the most theatrical of jobs, being a doorman who must come to life for each person desiring entry, desiring exit, and then settle back on his stool after the dramatic moment of touching the brim of his cap, greeting and opening the door for someone. Symbolically, the doorman never enters and never exits. Neither does the actor in the play. All this requires such art that actors who have not been doormen would not succeed in the role. Here life leaks into art like blood between brothers. One would never ask a mule to play a horse, close as it might come in some ways.

“Overheard Announcements in the Delayed Flight to Feminism,” by Supriya Pant

Sep 20th, 2023 | By

Good afternoon passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for the all-women flight to pay parity. We have been calling out for passengers for a few decades but have a few concerns. If you’re people with small children, passengers requiring special assistance, people of color, or sometimes identify as a woman, you may be asked to get at the back of the line. You risk being deboarded if you make any noise. Otherwise, we will be at your service, with discount coupons and one free martini after hours on March 8th. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately 10 minutes, and let us remind you we do not consider pay negotiations very “ladylike.” Thank you.

“I’m a Box of Lettuce and I Revel in Your Shame,” Zack Fox Loehle

Sep 13th, 2023 | By

Hey there. It’s me. Yeah, me – the box of lettuce you bought two weeks ago and haven’t touched since. I see the shame on your face when you look at me in the fridge. And you know what? I love it.

“Status Report on the Bottomless Cup Initiative,” by Kelvin W.

Sep 6th, 2023 | By

As many of you know, The Bottomless Cup Initiative had its genesis in pending legal action against restaurant chains advertising Bottomless Cup Refills. It was at the request of several such establishments, as well as the larger umbrella organization, that we began our research. We regarded the initial five million dollar grant as generous, and perhaps naively, sufficient. Today I wish to apprise you of our efforts and results thus far.

“Volumes in Superfluity: A catalogue of overstock academic titles, discretely priced,” by Mark Gallini

Aug 30th, 2023 | By

Prone: In Praise of Lethargy

Campbell Somerville, Michaels College Press, 2011, 275 pps. (paper)

Written over the course of thirty years and still unfinished at his death in 2010, hermetic Professor Somerville’s pensées on the value of inaction were found in his university apartment along with his partially decomposed body.

“An unbelievable find” — David Larsen, Michaelstown Fire Chief. Only $9.95