Fake Nonfiction

“I am the Speaker from “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” and I am Tired of the Hate I Continue to Receive 45 years After its Release. Get Over it! (My Wife Did).” by Brittany K. Fonte

Sep 25th, 2024 | By

Over the last almost five decades, I’ve had to invest a great deal of time, effort and money into therapy: independent therapy, couple’s counseling, and even some new-fangled bullshit called “discernment” counseling. (We’re too nervous to try ketamine therapy.) It’s all due to the online trolling by ridiculously sensitive Gen Z kids who think I’m a heartless cheater looking for a raunchy, meaningless hook-up in the dunes on the cape. Well, I’m here to say that those kids don’t know WTF they’re talking about on TikTok.



“Is Gamera ‘Woke’?” by Scott Erickson

Sep 18th, 2024 | By

Tonight’s top news story once again concerns Gamera, the giant flying turtle from those old Japanese movies. Although once humanity’s friend—saving civilization from the likes of Gaos, Mothra, and his frenemy Godzilla—Gamera now seems intent on destroying America.



“Al on the Arts,” by Christopher Hivner

Sep 11th, 2024 | By

Welcome to Al on the Arts. I’m Al Fridgett with your entertainment report.

We start with music and the new entry from death metal band Insouciant Demoralizer, Blood for Blood for Blood for Blood for Meat, released on Feline Leukemia Records. Playing their guitars completely out of tune, Farting Sam and Vomiting Tim create a palate of noise that rivals four jet engines red lining inside a nuclear reactor. Lyrically the songs form a pattern of blistering political takes on the current situation in Mongolia, ancestral home of singer and chief song writer Slobbering Jerry. The aggregate score from online music critics give Blood for Blood for Blood for Blood for Meat a score of 6 out of 100.



“Advice from Dr. J. P. Sartre, Couples Counselor,” by David Galef

Aug 28th, 2024 | By

Commitment is an act, not a word. Now, I want you two to demonstrate the love you share, right here in the office.



“So, You Wore a Jumpsuit to Your Ex’s Wedding and Now You Need the Bathroom,” by Mary Flannery

Aug 14th, 2024 | By

There comes a moment in every woman’s life journey when she reflects on her choices. Maybe it was the decision to attend the same college as her high school boyfriend. Maybe it was the decision to move next door to her in-laws. In your case, it’s the decision you made to wear a jumpsuit to your ex’s wedding.

And now, here you are, in a beige bathroom stall at the local Hyatt, facing the greatest challenge of your adult life: figuring out how to use the toilet while wearing a jumpsuit.