Right after I quiet quit last year, I was like, “Yes! I showed you, Oppressive Chemistry Lab Overlords.” But then I was like, “Shit, this is boring,” so I got to work coming up with ways to fill that time. Who knew work actually made time go by faster?

As adjunct professors in philosophy and Latin American Studies, we try to eat as healthy as possible in an effort to avoid relying on our so-called healthcare (healthscare?) plan—a lifestyle choice that involves the regular purchase of various unaffordable items such as organic milk. Last month our world was rocked when we heard a segment on NPR about how most organic milk is just a drop better than conventional milk. We made the switch back to conventional milk, and though we found ourselves missing the organic label and the way it made us feel, we also found ourselves with an extra $7 a month.

1. Perfect! Woman Who Believes In Astrology And Woman Who Believes In The Placebo Effect Fall Terribly In Love This Mercury Retrograde

Kitchen Faucet

Really good. Pull up the handle and water comes out of it and doesn’t stop until you put the handle back down. Thought maybe there was a limit to the amount of water that could come out of it, but I’ve let it run for upwards of eighty-six hours on multiple occasions and it has never shown any signs of slowing. Seemingly has access to unlimited H2O. A quick google search suggests that “approximately 3.5 million people die each year due to inadequate water supply.” They should come to my apartment.

A comprehensive report released Tuesday by Yale University researchers states that men are much more sexually aroused by figuring out the best way to fit items inside of a car than they are when performing coitus with any partner.