I, Professor Pumpernickel, Chief Socialsciencology Researcher at the American University of America, Guam, have spent the past year alongside my faithful unpaid grad assistants scouring these United States for a codex of sorts—a Rosetta Stone that might decode for us the most cryptic of scripts, the most undercutting of utterances: those curiously curt words barked at us by our fathers.

Unfortunately, the last known copy of that 1902 classic, The Man’s Guide to Manning, appears to have burned up in a Springfield, MO, garage in the late 90s after a tragic turkey deep fryer accident.

Have you ever found yourself wondering: “Man, what is up with German?” Sure, we all have! Well, I’m here to answer that question once and for all.

They said oatmeal.  Eat locally-sourced oatmeal to lengthen and enrich my life.  Then it was fish or blueberries, then that South American grain with the maggoty texture.  Let’s not forget dark chocolate and red wine, or that one green.  You know.  With ropy-stems?  You have to prepare it with a bomb tech’s level of focus just to make it edible. 

Here at Placebo Meadows we believe that no matter how old you are, you can always expand your life with learning. With that thought in mind, here is a list of this year’s lectures. Dates will be announced in the near future.

Hold the applause. Put down the glitter bomb. Nestle the expired poppers back into your Lulu fanny pack. This coming out is not as exciting as you think. I’ve spent a decade of pride months unable to enter the gay community as predator or prey. The Darwinian classifications leave me out entirely. Bear? Otter? Twink? None fit.