Fake Nonfiction

“Why I Can Proudly Check the Box That Says, ‘I am Not a Robot.'” By Chris Bullard

Nov 20th, 2024 | By

1. The three laws of Robotics prevent robots from harming humans. I have harmed humans, mostly emotionally.

2. Robots can be reprogrammed. I cannot be. I am stuck with values were determined by my upbringing, relentless peer pressure and what I see on social media.



“Why I Should Be Awarded a Nobel Prize,” by Zoé Mahfouz

Nov 13th, 2024 | By

“The Nobel Prize is awarded to the person who has done the greatest benefit to humankind”. Well, I have. I’ve been taking birth control pills for over 15 years.



“An Open Letter to Wikipedia, In Re: Myself,” by David Guaspari

Nov 6th, 2024 | By

Where to begin? With your relentless negativity? That snotty list of what Wikipedia is not? Not a dictionary, publisher of original thought, means of promotion, blog, memorial site, manual, guidebook, textbook, or scientific journal. Not censored. (Sez who!?!) A nihilistic orgy of not-ness. Contributors (or, to use your cloying jargon, Wikipedians) are told to “Be bold!” Yet boldness, one soon learns, invites retaliation—with accusations and insults including, but hardly limited, to “blatant hoax” (Speedy Deletion Criterion G3) and “no indication of importance” (SDC A7).



“Our Faculty’s Presentation Norms,” by Jacob S. Sherkow

Oct 2nd, 2024 | By

Thank you so much for agreeing to speak at our faculty workshop this Fall. Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues (well, almost all of them), we’re delighted to hear about your latest project and to read (or pretend to read) a draft. My assistant may—or may not—be in touch to help you make travel and lodging arrangements for your visit. If you have any difficulties there just let me know, although our staff is unionized and there’s nothing I can do to move things along without triggering the grievance process.



“I am the Speaker from “Escape (The Piña Colada Song),” and I am Tired of the Hate I Continue to Receive 45 years After its Release. Get Over it! (My Wife Did).” by Brittany K. Fonte

Sep 25th, 2024 | By

Over the last almost five decades, I’ve had to invest a great deal of time, effort and money into therapy: independent therapy, couple’s counseling, and even some new-fangled bullshit called “discernment” counseling. (We’re too nervous to try ketamine therapy.) It’s all due to the online trolling by ridiculously sensitive Gen Z kids who think I’m a heartless cheater looking for a raunchy, meaningless hook-up in the dunes on the cape. Well, I’m here to say that those kids don’t know WTF they’re talking about on TikTok.