Sure, it feels utterly euphoric plunging your acutely sensitive skin-covered phalanges into that soft, hot, sticky mass of dough, but is that really a sustainable practice?

Don’t be fooled by low-grade substitutes from feedlot urine mills. Feel the difference pure LlamaLift capsules can make. 

You demand peak performance in every area of your life. Your camelid nutraceuticals should meet those same high standards. 

NIBBLES
Assorted artisanal one-night stands sourced from local colleges (guaranteed 18 and over)
Grilled weekend warrior salad with a bad boy vinaigrette and Kawasaki fumes
Married co-worker aspic on a wilted marital bed

So there you are, all positive vibes. Telling yourself today’s the day, carpe diem. Open your email, all bated breath, and there it is—your umpteenth rejection. Now, some anonymous assistant to the assistant editor has knocked your dick in the dirt. It’s another existential crisis.

It’s been the shy side of two weeks since I found myself adrift in this mid-century modern fruit basket shaped like the architectural renderings of Noah’s Ark. The oranges mock me with their zest, the lemons with their unwavering yellow. But as my fibrous plumbing leaks the fluid from my body—my stringy bits are edible by the way, right up until the end—I have but one simple request: just let me get baked. We can do it together. I know you want to.