The Classic 

A babysitter is staying over at a client’s house when she gets a phone call. “I’m going to kill you,” a strange voice on the other end of the line says. She tries to ignore it, but she gets another phone call. “I’m going to kill you,” the voice tells her again. She calls the police and tells them about the threatening calls. The police officer promises to run a trace to find out where the strange phone calls are coming from.

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!”

But there was no reply…

Business These Days

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from a telemarketing firm in Mumbai!”

“Oh,” says the babysitter. “That’s a very confusing business strategy.”

“It’s probably one of those viral internet things,” the officer replies. “You know how weird those can get.”

A Simple Misunderstanding 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming to inside the house!”

“Coming to?” the babysitter repeats. “I thought you were trying to figure out where they were coming from. I already knew they were being made to me. That’s why I was receiving them.”

“Ohhhhh,” says the officer. “That does make more sense.”

A Deeper Perspective 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “In a way, the calls are coming from inside the house!”

“In a way?”

“After all, what is a house but that which we allow to affect us?” the officer continues. “When you listen to and accept the words of the person calling you, you make him a part of your world, and therefore your house. The only one who can decide where these calls are truly coming from… is you.”

“Wow,” says the babysitter. “I never thought of it that way.”

Reversal 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls coming from inside the police station!”

“Get out!” the babysitter cries. “Get out now!”

But there was no reply…

A Twist 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!”

“I’m going!” the babysitter replies. “I’m already heading out the door!”

“Wait, I’m getting more info!” the officer adds. “The inside of the house is coming from outside the house! Get back in! Get back in, now!”

But there was no reply…

What Did You Expect? 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from some other house, somewhere in the country!”

“Oh,” says the babysitter. “Well, I suppose that was the most likely outcome.”

Crime Doesn’t Pay

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!”

“You mean there’s a serial killer in my house?” the babysitter answers.

“No, not those calls,” responds the office. “These calls, to the police station. I’m in your house. And you’re under arrest for child neglect.”

“Oh yeah,” the babysitter says. “There was a child, wasn’t there?”

Wait a Second 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!”

“Wait a second,” the babysitter replies. “Are we saying this house has two separate land lines? Most people don’t even have one. Also, how am I not able to hear them if they’re in the house talking into a phone? And how did you trace a call to my phone so quickly, and seemingly without even contacting the phone company?”

“I guess we must just be fictional characters in a slightly poorly thought through urban legend,” the officer says.

“Wow,” replies the babysitter. “That would be the most alarming information you’ve told me if you hadn’t also just informed me there’s a murderer in the house with me.”

“Yeah, that should probably be your priority,” agrees the officer.

Matryoshka 

“Oh my god!” the officer says, suddenly. “The calls are coming from inside the house! Get out! Get out now!”

“I’m doing it!” the babysitter says. “I’m heading out the door.”

But wait! The house is coming from inside you!”

“Wait, what?”

“And you’re coming from inside the police station! And the police station is coming from inside the serial killer! And the serial killer is coming from inside the telephone wires! And the telephone wires are coming from inside me! And I’m coming from inside a smaller version of you that’s inside the house which is inside you which is inside the serial killer which is inside the telephone wires which are inside me again! It’s all a circle!”

“Well, that’s good to–“

“But there’s more! That ring of self containment is coming from inside a single speck of dust which is on the fingernail of a giant who’s using the phone to send harassing calls to another giant babysitter, but not because he wants to kill her; he’s just sort of sexist and a bit of a prick! And she’s calling the police station, but that police station isn’t giant and is actually smaller than any of this and you need to make sure you don’t step on it!”

But there was no response.

Not because the babysitter was dead. Because what do you even say to that?

————

Lillie E. Franks is a trans author and eccentric who lives in Chicago, Illinois with the best cats. You can read her work at places like Always Crashing, Poemeleon, and Drunk Monkeys or follow her on Twitter at @onyxaminedlife. She loves anything that is not the way it should be.