After years of writing about the death of cinema, I’m thrilled to report that Hollywood has been reborn. Recent blockbusters like Call Me By Your Name 2: Powered by AT&T Wireless proved that emotional depth and aggressive brand integration saved the industry. I laughed. I cried. I purchased a popcorn bucket shaped like a Motorola Razr. Movies are no longer magic—they’re better.

A 900 acre tract of land in Brecknock Township, Pennsylvania has been cleared and leveled in anticipation of ground breaking for a new “Poetry Campus.” Venture capital group Coleridge Limited is the lead investor in this eastern Lancaster County project which will be completed in the next 12 months.

Welcome to Deipneus’s Delights. (Deipneus was the Greek god of feasts. Maybe Random House didn’t hire me for that editor position, but I’m damn well going to use the knowledge I paid good money for.)

Warning:  Images of partial baldness and baldness angst. May trigger pre-baldness anxiety. Warning:  Casual, even provocative usage of Italian and gratuitous references to nudist classical painters with a glaring fetish for muscular dudes. May trigger dramatic romance language insecurity and the uneasy feeling that you are just not smart enough for this thing. Warning:  Massive

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We’ve got a situation here, Rutherford, and we’d like you to relay it to the rest of your office. We’ve received feedback from several of our retail clients stating that they are dissatisfied with the performance of our chemtrails, which directly affects their profits and return on investment. As a government branch, they expect our chemicals to be potent and us ourselves to be precise, accurate, and expedient. For many of them, this is obviously their first time working with the government.