New issue arriving April 20th, 2026!

Monday: Heads up, Aries! Life changes ahead! You thought your years of wiping noses and bottoms were over, but think again! It’s time for you to enroll in a program and get that nursing degree you’ve always longed for! Yes! It’s finally here! The world of caring for others awaits! Soon you will be the Angel in the White Cap, the Florence Nightingale you were always meant to be, emptying bedpans and changing adult diapers and tending and caring and washing and injecting people who need the kind of care only you can provide! Your future is calling, Aries!

All my friends have kids. Their friends have kids. Everyone has kids. Together, they meet and form a sticky kindergarten.

Even though there are trillions of gut microbes in a human being, they’re hard to pin down for interviews. I managed to corral Prevotella Corpri for a shocking take on who’s smarter: gut microbes or their hosts.

Prevotella Corpri, thank you for joining us today. Can I call you Prevotella?

Everybody calls me P. corpri. The c is lowercase. You can think of it as my rap name (laughs).

Happy Year of Our Lord, 1354! Another round of murderous plague, over at last. So what happens now? Well, you can sit around and mope, wondering what we all did to offend God, or you can take advantage of record-low surviving populations to hit the exciting pilgrimage trail. Our all-inclusive Journeyer Package lets you select any eight of the following hallowed attractions, as well as transport options (ass, horse, camel) and a variety of meal plans (salted ass, salted horse, salted camel, salted fruit, weeds). The trip of a lifetime—it would be a sin to miss it!