Do you tire of your decaying mansions, dusty attics, and all too quiet libraries? Fancy a view of the sea and the comforts of modern habitation? Do you dream of a place where friendly folks will welcome you into their homes and businesses like one of the family?

Look no further!

For your Sunday amusement… a comic!

The pool of comedy writers at BBC Radio Scotland had no idea what was coming their way. What a great story to tell someday on Jimmy Fallon when my buddy Jimmy asks about my earliest writing credits and discovers they came from a show in Scotland. I’ve never even been there. I didn’t even need to, as I worked remotely.

Hey you! Yeah, you. The one nervously walking by me while I guard the sidewalk with my long-necked attitude. You think if you veer around me at an undignified trot, I’m not going to honk like a 1970s New York City cabdriver? Think again, my non-feathered friend.

It was bad enough when my watch would vibrate and tell me to stand. I long for the days of that simplicity. One tap would allow me to ignore it and resume watching a reality show about people who fold towels on a yacht, consume copious amounts of alcohol, and sleep with one another.