Prose

“A Special Presentation at the Annual Meeting of the New England Agatha Christie Fan Club,” by Max Kesselheim

Jul 2nd, 2025 | By

My dear fellow members of the Agatha Christie fan club, as club President, I speak to you today in a time of intense sadness for our organization. It has now been two weeks since our newest member, my dear friend Fred, has died, and unfortunately, the police are no closer to cracking his case. His death remains an enigma, no matter how many times I visit his grave, no matter how many times I unearth his casket, and no matter how many times I interrogate him.



“The Pros and Cons of Stars,” by Daniel Hudon

Jun 25th, 2025 | By

Pro: They have mastered the art of shining in the dark.
Con: They can’t be bothered to shine in the daytime unless you’re really close to one.



“Never-Exerciser To Elite Marathoner In Two Weeks Thanks To My Motorized Foot-Mover,” by Tobi Pledger

Jun 18th, 2025 | By

Two weeks of training on my LegXercise Ellipse motorized under-desk foot-mover transformed me from a never-exerciser into an elite marathoner. The Ellipse (as seen on TV every three minutes) is a high-tech, passive exercise machine that moves your feet forward and backward while you sit.

Active Running is outdated. It’s what cavemen did to escape a nagging mate.



“Reminding Myself Why I Still Hate High School, 56 (1/2) Years Later,” by Steve Carney

Jun 11th, 2025 | By

1. A boy being caught with his shirt tail untucked and hanging out of his pants.

2. Chewing gum anywhere on the school grounds at any time.

3. Not returning an empty cafeteria lunch tray to the dish washing area.

4. A boy’s hair growing over the tops of his ears by a little as 1/32 of an inch.

5. Running in the hallway.

6. Talking in class.

Any one of these crimes against humanity committed within the boundaries of my mid-1960’s high school campus would get one sent to Honor Court.



“Interview with a Fourth Grade Unaffiliated Action Figure Archeologist,” by B Myers

Jun 4th, 2025 | By

With the spring thaw well underway, several of our scholars sallied out of SAFA’s cramped archives on an expedition to a nearby river town where caches of anthropomorphic animal figurines, interchangeable mutant heads, and sabotaged diorama components have been discovered in the surrounding hills recently. The town has become something of a cynosure among action figure antiquarians, and our savvy readers undoubtedly have already guessed its name, as Saukinee is also home base to maverick action figure finder Percy Rittle. The budding play-date theorist and midden rat has had an unmistakable impact on the field with his explosive, paradigm-toppling theories and gonzo hermeneutics. Even from the dim reaches of our dusty stacks, SAFA has felt tremors—is the field ripe for a revolution led by this newcomer? It must be said that our own modest analyses of recent excavations in the realm of sandbox stratigraphy and jungle gym anthrosols have aligned agreeably with those of the growing community of Rittle-inspired independent scholars, zombie sibling anthropologists, and alternative paleontologists. Further, there were rumors that Rittle might have triangulated a matchbox battle site or alien cyborg munitions dump. We found the implications tantalizing.