Press release: Jean-Michel de la Rosarie, the brilliant new nose of Parfums le Nez, has created a line of niche fragrances that accompany the chic suburban woman from alarm clock’s first buzz to final check of socials before lights out.

What happened to the music? What have we become? Johnny Logo® and the Trademarks™ used to be about car commercial guitar riffs and personal injury lawyer jingles, man. Now Johnny Logo® fears he’s the front man of a band that’s forgotten its soul, and is instead making harmonious art that expresses emotion.

Well guess what: Fuck that noise. Unless we get back to our roots, Johnny Logo® is going it alone.

Congratulations on your purchase of XR7-Series K Time Machine. You have made a wise decision guaranteed to bring your family countless hours of entertainment.

No refunds.

1. “I Didn’t Reject You; You Weren’t Even Eligible To Apply In The First Place,” Says Lesbian To Straight Man

You, specifically, are being watched by a crow. Not “people in general.” Not “someone out there.” You. This is not a metaphor. This is not a spiritual fable. This is not a goth phase. This is science. We have charts. We have caw-based data. We have a control group that accidentally summoned a parliament of ravens instead (they’re fine now, mostly).

Over a 24-month observational study funded by a grant we may have misunderstood (thank you, Department of Unusual Phenomena and Municipal Pigeon Control), our team conclusively determined that a crow has selected you—yes, you reading this—to be its permanent subject of anthropological curiosity, judgment, and occasional sabotage.