Despite what they say, Vlad was not very good at impaling. Lazy. One, maybe two hundred impalings, tops. Messy. Not imaginative. He had a good hype man though, helped him spread impaling reputation.

You know who was really good impaler? Jeff. Jeff the Impaler. Top notch impaling. Experienced, knowledgeable. Reasonable pricing. Cleaned up after himself.

At the time of our encounter I was ushering a door in my mandated khaki best and a collared shirt with all the erotic energy of a public middle school band concert. The event was a movie premiere at Lincoln Center. Some Matt Damon/Ben Affleck flick watched exclusively by dads in those wrinkly leather recliners that smell faintly of Costco peanuts, whisky, and an underlining fear of the great beyond.

While felines hold a special place in my heart, I support all of God’s creatures, including local wildlife, and never want to see them injured or killed. Which is why it pains me to tell the story of Annabelle, a Russian Blue rescue who stole my heart and continues to hold it ransom while living the life of an executioner – not out of necessity but for the love of the kill.

Dear Nathaniel,

I know how much you hate it when I use your real name. You long for me to summon you with damsel-in-distress shouts of “Kool-Aid Man!” or “Hey Kool-Aid!” just like those pasty-faced tweens who hang on your every grand entrance, each time you bulldoze the center field wall, or flatten some white picket fence. I must say: as a fount of energy, you never run dry. And I can’t help but grudgingly admire how you never seem to break, you never lose even a single drop.

Do you tire of your decaying mansions, dusty attics, and all too quiet libraries? Fancy a view of the sea and the comforts of modern habitation? Do you dream of a place where friendly folks will welcome you into their homes and businesses like one of the family?

Look no further!