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Defenestration: August 2014

Summer is coming to an end. And that can only mean one (important) thing: The August 2014 issue of Defenestration is here!

The August issue is always the hardest to put together. The winds of literary magic don’t blow very strong in late August, so we’re forced to accumulate magic through other, more labor-intensive means. We have to plan for this in advance. Eileen, for example, takes a trip to Ireland every summer to collect leprechaun feces (also known as “leprechuano”). We have to sacrifice three times as many unicorns, and it’s always a pain getting enough of them. Not to mention all the manticore tears that need to be bottled, all the demons that need to be castrated, and all the wizard bile that needs to be picked up from our cannery in North Carolina and shipped back to Defenestration HQ. And this happens before we even choose the content for the issue!

Defenestration: April 2014

So. Here were are at last.

It’s time for the April 2014 issue of Defenestration, everyone! Last year Eileen and I took a break from the magazine to rest our fragile bodies and minds. Three months in a chemical bath and several cybernetic upgrades later, we reopened Defenestration to submissions and got back to work. The response was truly humbling. We started getting submissions immediately–and so many were awesome that we ended up holding on to more for consideration than we ever had before. That made choosing the content for this issue a little more difficult than usual, but Eileen and I are professionals and know how to handle these sorts of things. (We never resort to violence, unless that doesn’t work and we’re forced to resort to violence.

Defenestration: August 2013

Ten years, you guys. This October, Defenestration will be ten years old!

Have any of you ever read slush? Have you ever read slush for ten years straight? After so long a time, Eileen’s lucky to still have her sanity, and I’m lucky to still have my sanity and my rakish good looks. But the slush is wearing us down, and we’re quickly becoming editors on the edge. We don’t sleep well. We don’t eat well. Our nerves have been rubbed raw. I have literally—literally—seen Eileen turn into a Tyrannosaurus over seemingly insignificant things. The other day she almost leveled an IHOP after finding an uneven distribution of blueberries in her blueberry pancakes. This sort of destruction cannot continue no matter how awesome and no matter how many views the resulting videos on YouTube attain.

Prose

Defenestration-Fake Nonfiction “Practical Math,” by Chris Eversman

Questions 1-4: Misery. Answer the following story problems using any method you like – provided it’s the method that I want you to use. Each problem is worth enough points to convince you that answering any incorrectly will earn you a grade that sabotages all of your future hopes. Calculators are not permitted.

Ben & Winslow

12122014 Raised By Wolves (Icon) Raised By Wolves

Everyone knows that you can’t blame wolves for other people’s behavior. But people who were raised by wolves can be blamed for all sorts of things. Poor hygiene. Bad habits. Unhealthy diet. The wanton destruction of throw pillows. This is just how the world works.

Jonathan: Mysteries Answered!… and Stuff.

Defenestration-Jonathan's Column Icon D&D Soup at 165 Eaton Place

What could a classic British TV series like Upstairs Downstairs and Dungeons & Dragons have in common?

Chris: Encyclopedia Douchebag… ica

Defenestration-Chris's Column Icon Mute’s Got It Made…

Being around people is exhausting. Not from the traditional introverted POV of “straining to think of ways to be friendly” but more of “I’m trying really hard to not tell you to ‘fuck off’ as that’s not appropriate for work/school/church.”

Genevieve: Ubiquitous Film Review

prometheusbruce Five Movies That Could Have Used a Time-Traveling Bruce Willis

So I guess if this year’s sci-fi action tickler Looper has taught us anything, it’s that no actor is as well-equipped to go back in time and talk to some dummies about life as Bruce Willis.