Much of my parental direction during the decade of my preteen and teen years was focused on saving as much money as possible on life’s daily routines. My parents’ cost-saving and oft-puzzling directives sometimes gave rise to adolescent angst, but, in retrospect, were generally harmless.

Today, several decades later (six decades later for the benefit of full disclosure), these directives still resonate. Some elicit smiles, some trigger nostalgic memories, some prompt wonderment. In fairness to all parties, they were meant to be in the best interest of the entire family long-term, and not intended as punishment (at least that’s what I want to believe!).

A year after my son died I found myself in a property dispute about a bench I paid for.

Specifically, about eighteen inches of that bench was currently sitting on my son.

This is not where I expected grief to take me.

Those dishes in the sink will not get done, so you may as well stop asking about them. And if you dare raise the subject again I will continue to reply using passive constructions, as the dishes exist in a realm that has nothing to do with me, though relatively speaking they are beneath me. That should explain damn-near everything, but given your countenance, I feel obliged to elaborate.

Above all, be sure that your second home is located in a picturesque, isolated spot, preferably one you have seen only fleetingly in a realtor’s brochure. Mountain precipices and small spits of sand which shift with prevailing tides are generally ideal. For those on a fixed income, any location surrounded by quicksand can be made to serve quite nicely. One knows one has probably chosen the appropriate location when one is unable to find it again.

Warning:  Images of partial baldness and baldness angst. May trigger pre-baldness anxiety. Warning:  Casual, even provocative usage of Italian and gratuitous references to nudist classical painters with a glaring fetish for muscular dudes. May trigger dramatic romance language insecurity and the uneasy feeling that you are just not smart enough for this thing. Warning:  Massive

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