“My Lovely Day at Psychiatric Emergency Services,” by Daniel Winn

Apr 5th, 2023 | By

Much in the way my hair never looks better than on the day I’m getting it cut, I was my best self on the way to a mental institution. My friend told me she thought I should go and I didn’t have anything else to do and wanted to kill myself so I decided to give it a whirl. I drove myself there with another friend who promised to take my car back to my house, but instead left it, along with my house keys, on the other side of town without telling me, and my phone died while I was locked up so I had to crowbar open a window to get in to charge my phone to figure out what the hell he had done and why. But that was later.

“A thank you note for your unwanted parenting advice,” by E.J. Batiste

Mar 29th, 2023 | By

Thank you so much for your unsolicited parenting advice! I know you heard me say that I had no interest in hearing anyone’s advice unless I specifically asked for it. I am so glad that you decided that you were excluded from this comment and that I really really needed to hear how gross you think breastfeeding is and that you never did it for any of your kids, but they all turned out just fine. I know that all of my parenting decisions should mirror yours exactly.

“Your Driving Hurts My Feelings: A Road Rage Incident in Portland, OR,” by Dusty York

Feb 22nd, 2023 | By

I currently live in New York City, but as a young lad I grew up in the beautiful and verdant working class area of Southeast Portland. The side streets are lined with uniquely painted craftsman houses and feature lush yards full of vegetation. People raised families there in this relatively safe neighborhood, and the streets were often filled with children and pets running around. They still are.

“My Hallmark Holiday Movies Addiction,” by Keith Manos

Dec 21st, 2022 | By

I’m addicted to the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I’m not kidding. One weekend, I watched six of them in a row. That’s 12 hours, including commercials, if you’re doing the math. I’ve viewed sixteen overall, and their cheesy, predictable plotline is outstanding.

“I Need a Bell,” by Lisa Haneberg

Dec 7th, 2022 | By

I find myself in an awkward life-and-death situation. I need a bell, but if I buy my own, it will not work well. And if I ask for the bell, the one I receive will possess fewer protective properties. If I neither buy nor ask for the bell, it’s unlikely that I will get one. The consequences could be dire. Let me explain.