My debut novel has been out for six months and it’s clear from its lack of social media buzz and list-making that it’s complete garbage. Since its release, I have felt nothing but shame and regret. Though I can’t unpublish the book—right?—I would like to take a moment to blame everyone who has encouraged and supported me along the way.
Welcome, haute heaux, to the ultimate vegan dining experience, which deconstructs what is formerly known as a mere salade. Toss your expectations. Embrace your tastebuds, while we slowly dress—or rather undress—vegetables with our eyes, our ears, our olfactory glands—and more!
Feeling anxious? Don’t. For all you trembling, ripe, tasting-menu virgins, who have only known meat, and perhaps one big plate of food, filled from the buffet again and again, let us ease you into this experience by answering a few Frequently Asked Questions.
An excited Professor Maxwell watched from behind his podium as the last Chemistry 101 students trickled into the lecture hall. Professor Maxwell wasn’t excited because today marked the start of another semester, or even because he loved teaching chemistry. Professor Maxwell was excited because he was an asshole. A fresh batch of doe-eyed pre-medical students meant another opportunity to give The Speech.
Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a beautiful princess. Hated by her influential, evil younger sisters, and banished from her kingdom, she lived in constant terror. A target for ruthless assassins, surrounded by deadly traps and blood-thirsty monsters, she fought for her life. In desperation, she sought the help of a famous knight, Sir Gregor de Bute.
We are on Spin. It’s got the latest, before it’s too late. Cash is so, like, last century and plastic is a slow draw. Spin’s now. See it. Yours today. Now. Wear it, hold it, eat it, drink it, watch it, sit on it. Now. We love Spin, plugs every gap in our deep need profiles. See it, grab it, let the device track the debts – not a worry, they’re just feeding the economy. Flash spin and the wheels keep turning. Yeah. New wheels, we could use some of those. Check the screen. There they are. Soon get a bleep from DeliverE. Window in a couple of hours.