You may know me from the 1988 Japanese animated fantasy film of which I was the title star, but what you don’t know is what came after my rise to fame. It’s not easy being a beloved hero of a cult classic children’s movie. While you look at that movie and see a cute and fluffy forest spirit, I see someone who was struggling deeply inside.
Heading into the course, I had expectations regarding how the next ten days would unfold, which was exactly what the website said not to do. A part of me envisioned robed figures wandering about barefoot with unkempt beards and various bracelets spanning the length of their forearms. Thus, I was surprised by how normal everyone looked. Most were dressed in loose-fitting tees with flowy bottoms cinched above the ankles with rubber bands creating makeshift capris. Being eighteen at the time placed me in the lower age bracket with fellow meditators being well into their forties and fifties. I struck up small talk with several only to realize they, too, had never attempted something as physically/mentally demanding. And I breathed a sigh of relief knowing we were just a group of folks trying to better ourselves at whatever capacity we could.
My debut novel has been out for six months and it’s clear from its lack of social media buzz and list-making that it’s complete garbage. Since its release, I have felt nothing but shame and regret. Though I can’t unpublish the book—right?—I would like to take a moment to blame everyone who has encouraged and supported me along the way.
Welcome, haute heaux, to the ultimate vegan dining experience, which deconstructs what is formerly known as a mere salade. Toss your expectations. Embrace your tastebuds, while we slowly dress—or rather undress—vegetables with our eyes, our ears, our olfactory glands—and more!
Feeling anxious? Don’t. For all you trembling, ripe, tasting-menu virgins, who have only known meat, and perhaps one big plate of food, filled from the buffet again and again, let us ease you into this experience by answering a few Frequently Asked Questions.
An excited Professor Maxwell watched from behind his podium as the last Chemistry 101 students trickled into the lecture hall. Professor Maxwell wasn’t excited because today marked the start of another semester, or even because he loved teaching chemistry. Professor Maxwell was excited because he was an asshole. A fresh batch of doe-eyed pre-medical students meant another opportunity to give The Speech.