“Can’t Afford Your Car?” by Andrew Hanna

Mar 27th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction

As a civic-minded American, I’ve noticed that my fellow citizens have been getting more stressed out with every passing year. One of the biggest reasons? Cars!

Cars are wickedly expensive. They don’t come cheap– and buying one is just the tip of the iceberg. If you have a car, you have to pay for gas, insurance, registration, repairs, speeding tickets… have you fallen asleep yet? Of course not! You’re awake, wondering how you’ll ever afford all of these!

Unless you’re a film star or a business magnate, you probably won’t. But never fear– I’ve put my thinking cap on for you and come up with real, viable solutions. If you’re a struggling car parent, read on!

1. Make Your Car Your Gym

“I just can’t keep paying for gas and a gym membership,” my friend grizzled. “They’re bleeding me dry!”

For him and everybody like him, here’s a secret: you only buy gas because it makes your car go. If you pull your car instead, you won’t have to shell out another cent– and you’ll get a full-body workout while you’re at it! Car pulling splendidly develops the back, chest, arm, and leg muscles whilst giving you a shinier, more intense face. Better still, you’ll be too slow to need insurance. I know I’m onto something. The proof’s in the… pushing.

2. Make Your Own Gas

I know a college student who started a lawn mowing business and did eight yards at $15 a pop. Instead of throwing out the leftover grass, she took it to her dorm, ground it up, and used it to power her car for a month.

The moral of this story is that you have a choice. We’ve been conditioned to think that cars only run on gas, diesel, or electricity– but that’s so wrong! With a little tinkering, you could get around just fine on a tank of bread, hay, apples… the possibilities are endless. All these things give us energy… so why can’t they power our cars? They’re cheaper, better smelling, and healthier for the environment.

3. Sell Your Car

No explanation needed. Just make sure it looks pretty. And say that the odometer’s broken.

4. Let Nature Reclaim Your Car

Are you spending more time and money on your car than on yourself? Are you dying to rid yourself of it but unsure where to start?

Here’s the solution: Drive your car into the nearest park, open the windows and doors, and leave it there. Within a few weeks, moss will begin to grow on the wheels. Little songbirds will make their home in the front seat. No more bills– just the satisfaction of giving back to nature.

P.S. If you still need to get around, stow away in a delivery truck while the driver’s dropping off a package. Be a quiet and respectful guest. You may be discovered and mistaken for a “porch pirate,” but that’s a risk you’ll have to take.


Andrew Hanna is a journalist, writer, and aspiring composer. He recently finished his first book: a biography about the great racehorse Citation (forthcoming).

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.