“Yelp Reviews of Local Bars in the Form of Lines from Classic Poems,” by Daniel Galef

Apr 17th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The Mermaid Tavern


There is sweet music here. Love the band lineup, man! You ever thought about putting in a mosh pit?

★★★★☆— ChurchGoer55

Get out as early as you can. If you leave after midnight the Uber surge pricing is insane.


Over joint and gristle and padded hoof we fought and clawed and tore. The hot wings platter was fire! Dope game night.


We’ll go no more a-roving so late into the night. Great beer, great bands, but don’t stay too late.


Exit pursued by a bear. Nobody told me this was a gay bar.


Grub Street Grill (Formerly the Grub Street Pub)


Water, water everywhere, and nary any drop to drink! I used to love this place, but then they lost their liquor license and just can’t cut it as a bistro.


Darkness there, and nothing more. Seriously, there’s atmosphere and then there’s not seeing the table in front of you.


I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. This town needs another shitty bistro like I need end-rhymes. Bring back the booze!


Still much good, but much less good than ill. It was better b4. Also 2 drk.


I am half-sick of shadows. Get some lights!


Crossing: The Bar


O for a beaker full of the warm South. Try the local craft bourbons. Not as good as the Mermaid Tavern, tho.

★★★★☆— kc@bat

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. But it might be coming from the place next door.


A fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. If you’re going for the Singles Night on Wednesday, don’t waste your time.


Too full for sound and foam. Don’t go here, it’s always stupid crowded. Some jerk spilled beer all over me and I couldn’t even hear if he said sorry.


Nothing to eat and nowhere to sit down.


Daniel Galef’s first book is Imaginary Sonnets, in which you will find poetic parodies of the poets named here and more. His humor, poetry, and humor poetry have appeared in Defenestration, the American Bystander, Light, Points in Case, the Saturday Evening Post, and the Washington Post Style Invitational.

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