Tonight’s top news story once again concerns Gamera, the giant flying turtle from those old Japanese movies. Although once humanity’s friend—saving civilization from the likes of Gaos, Mothra, and his frenemy Godzilla—Gamera now seems intent on destroying America.

We’re just about done here, then on to HR for your employee identification card. I just need to finish securing the device to your wrist. Please don’t attempt to remove it. The electronic lock can only be opened by a company representative upon termination.

No, not termination in the sense of dying. In the sense of termination of employment. Although it could be said, from the company’s perspective, that once you’re terminated you’re “dead” to us.