Tonight’s top news story once again concerns Gamera, the giant flying turtle from those old Japanese movies. Although once humanity’s friend—saving civilization from the likes of Gaos, Mothra, and his frenemy Godzilla—Gamera now seems intent on destroying America.

Although many people think the idea of a giant flying turtle with the ability to shoot flames from its mouth is ridiculous, it’s definitely no joke to the citizens of Cleveland and Detroit whose city was firebombed to destruction yesterday.

It’s also no joke to the citizens of the city of Portland, Oregon, which was destroyed this morning. While many people were devastated at the loss of the progressive city on the banks of the Willamette River, others were overjoyed.

“This confirms that Gamera is anti-woke,” announced Florida governor Ron DeSantis. “Why else would he destroy the most ultra-liberal city in America?” This statement led to a pro-Gamera rally in Miami, with thousands cheering Gamera as an anti-woke ally helping to get America back on track.

However, the governor’s statement proved to be controversial. Gender activists were outraged at the assertion that Gamera is a “he” when there is no conclusive evidence as to the gender of the giant flying reptile. Since biologists have been unable to determine whether Gamera is a “boy turtle” or a “girl turtle,” they have urged the media to report on Gamera using gender-neutral language. This news was cheered by the LGBTQ community, which was quick to claim Gamera as a powerful symbol for gender equality.

As everybody who watched old Japanese movies knows, Gamera has a well-established reputation as “friend of all children.” In a move that many interpreted as a slap in the face to liberals, anti-woke activists were quick to claim this meant that Gamera was a pedophile. As an anti-woke spokesperson put it, “Michael Jackson was also a friend of all children.”

Although the claim that Gamera is a pedophile is totally ridiculous and is backed by no facts whatsoever, the Pentagon is taking it seriously. Just hours ago, Gamera was on a direct path toward a sinking ship full of orphans, possibly to save them. The Pentagon alerted the Air Force of the emergency and, to save the orphans from being exposed to romantic overtures from the giant turtle, bombed the ship into oblivion.

Many Americans are wondering why the military doesn’t mount an offense against Gamera, who surely could not withstand the combined force of all of America’s firepower. “We considered it,” reports Secretary of Defense Lloyd J. Austin III, “but our military strategists have concluded that Gamera contains no oil reserves.”

This just in: Although it appears to be totally unrelated to the Gamera story, Elon Musk continues to explore the size of his ego and has reported that, to the best of his knowledge, it is infinite.

In further news, Gamera has just destroyed Sacramento, California. Gamera appears to heading toward San Francisco, giving renewed vigor to anti-woke activists and inspiring Silicon Valley entrepreneurs to head to their escape properties in New Zealand.

In economic news, Gamera’s actions have proven detrimental to America’s capitalist expansion, causing many to deride Gamera as a Marxist. America’s Marxist community, however, cheered Gamera for helping capitalism to collapse in its own self-contradictions and inspire a revolution of the proletariat. However, our investigative journalist has determined that America’s Marxist community is a guy that lives in a trailer in rural Idaho.

Late-breaking news: It has just come to our attention that Miami Beach, Florida, has been destroyed by Gamera. At an emotional media conference, governor DeSantis announced the news, and admitted to being devastated by Gamera’s betrayal. “We thought you were on our side,” he expressed tearfully before breaking down and being escorted away by his staff.

With us later will be a distinguished professor of Harvard University, to discuss whether gender is a continuum for reptiles, and to affirm that it is possible that Gamera could be transsexual.

This just in: It turns out the Elon Musk is, in fact, directly related to this story. Musk has just announced his attention to purchase Gamera for $250 million. Although Musk gave no indication as to what use he would have for a giant fire-breathing flying turtle, financial experts speculate that his intention is to save America by incorporating Gamera, then running the business into the ground.

In further news, Gamera has just destroyed the Federal Reserve building, which is expected to cause the collapse of the entire American economy.

More on that later, but first we’ll be discussing a report from the Washington Post which speculates that Gamera might be seeing somebody. Also, we’ll have a reporter on the scene at a protest of anti-woke activists condemning Harvard University for promoting transsexual rights for reptiles. Also, we’ll have a panel of experts stating their opinions, followed later by another panel of experts expressing outrage at the first panel.

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Scott Erickson is an award-winning writer of humor and satire. He has published several novels, and his writing has appeared in newspapers, magazines, and humor compilations. His website is www.scott-erickson-writer.com