We’re just about done here, then on to HR for your employee identification card. I just need to finish securing the device to your wrist. Please don’t attempt to remove it. The electronic lock can only be opened by a company representative upon termination.

No, not termination in the sense of dying. In the sense of termination of employment. Although it could be said, from the company’s perspective, that once you’re terminated you’re “dead” to us.

Yes, that was a joke.

The purpose of the device? You may recall, among the many onboarding documents you signed, one that granted permission for the application of electrical shocks. How’s the strap feel? Not too tight?

Good.

The purpose of the shocks? I’m sure you recall our conversations about our productivity requirements, which are quite stringent. And since productivity is vitally important, so is the device. Not only for the company, but for your satisfaction as an employee. Obviously the concerns of the company come first. But we like to think that the concerns of our employees come in at a close second. And the device is one way that we express this concern. It’s our policy to give employees the maximum amount of freedom to do their jobs as they see fit. We have no wish to micro-manage our employees. You don’t even need to come to the office. You can work from Tierra del Fuego, assuming that Tierra del Fuego has 5G internet access.

Yes, you’re right. That is very generous of us. Yet with freedom comes responsibility. As productivity requirements must be taken seriously, so must failure to meet those requirements. I want to stress that our company has a strict policy against torture.

No, we don’t consider the electrical shocks to be a form of torture. We prefer to think of them as forms of constructive feedback. It’s important to keep in mind that there’s no objective criteria of what constitutes torture. For some people, drinking a sub-standard latte is a form of torture, while other people can have their arm chewed off by a bear and report only mild discomfort.

No, I’ve never had my arm chewed off by a bear.

There’s no need for you to be concerned. According to our records, you’re in excellent health, which means you should have a high tolerance for even the more extreme levels of constructive feedback. Not that I expect they would be necessary in your case.

Well, consider that constructive feedback has been a requirement of employment since humanity climbed out of the mud to form the first corporation. What we’re doing is continuing this in a modern way that’s compatible with our digital age. Also, consider the insights of Buddhism, which clearly demonstrate that torture is self-inflicted—whether by guilt, by inappropriate thoughts, or by excessively high standards for espresso drinks.

Yes, you’re right. This wouldn’t apply to devices specifically designed to inflict torture, such as “the rack” from medieval times. But can you really compare a primitive machine constructed of wood and rope to a highly advanced digital device enclosed in a sleek case of impact-resistance plastic?

Sure, I can explain how it works. It’s electronically linked to your productivity as recorded in our company database. If your goals are met, no feedback is required. However, over time we assume that, once you become familiar with your responsibilities, you will discover ways to increase efficiencies. Which is why the device—which is nearly foolproof—is programmed for goals that increase over time, controlled by algorithms designed to seek an optimal ratio of productivity versus what we like to call “resistance to further feedback.”

That’s right, I said nearly foolproof. To claim that any technology is perfect is to apply a standard that’s unrealistic. We assume that our employees have the intelligence to reject a standard that would cost more than we’re willing to spend.

There’s no need for concern, because the document you signed absolves the company of any liability. The greater concern, which should be yours just as much as it is ours, is the need for increased productivity. Because as I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s what allowed humanity to crawl out of the mud and create an economic system that has given us the means to purchase lattes and subscriptions to premium streaming services. And if this means the creation of a global economic system that puts every person on earth in a competitive race to the bottom, that’s what’s required for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I’m glad that you understand. Unfortunately, some people have trouble accepting reality. They don’t understand that if you refuse to wear the device provided by our company, you will wear the device provided by another company. Now, as for your identification card…

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Scott Erickson is an award-winning writer of humor and satire. He has published several novels, and his writing has appeared in newspapers, magazines, and humor compilations. His website is www.scott-erickson-writer.com