“Sad Salad of Suffering Tasting Menu ‘About Page’ on Restaurant Haute Heaux’s Website,” by Cecilia Kennedy

Dec 27th, 2023 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Welcome, haute heaux, to the ultimate vegan dining experience, which deconstructs what is formerly known as a mere salade. Toss your expectations. Embrace your tastebuds, while we slowly dress—or rather undress—vegetables with our eyes, our ears, our olfactory glands—and more!

Feeling anxious? Don’t. For all you trembling, ripe, tasting-menu virgins, who have only known meat, and perhaps one big plate of food, filled from the buffet again and again, let us ease you into this experience by answering a few Frequently Asked Questions.

What Should I Expect?

Expect a full tasting menu of a baker’s dozen of dishes, designed to delight, amaze, and astound. The menu changes with the season, as vegetables are plucked from the finest soils in socially and ethically cultivated free-range climates. Below is a sample to stir you into arousal:

Leaf of lettuce, strewn pompously across the plate

Spoonful of brown rice, studded with preserved heirloom tomato seeds

Half of a ladle of celery broth

Sorbet of cabbage

Raspberry doused in champagne

Confetti of kohlrabi with radish shavings

Tofu foam with soy glaze

Thin paste of cashews and sunflower seeds, nestled between slivers of rice cake

Pearls of humus

Strawberry slices with a wedge of lemon

Cocoa dusted coconut pulp in shot glasses

Frozen rice milk scoop bathed in honeydew liqueur

Arabica bean cream, served in digestible “shoes” made of recycled materials

Will There Be a Massage?

Our servers are also trained in rigorous massage techniques to heighten the tasting experience. While massages are not mandatory, they are highly recommended for those with food allergies, at an additional cost.

What If I Have Allergies? 

Please note the FAQ above.

Is There Entertainment?

Our show choir, simply called Lettuce, performs an intuitive-style medley in black vegan leather. When the moment moves them, they intuit the vibrations of the various courses brought to tables and then perform death-defying acrobatic moves, suspended from the ceiling, based on the vibrations they are feeling. Truly unique, this show has been banned in Vegas, New York, and more! But our Haute Heaux patrons have front-row seats to something no one else will be able to see. 

Are There Wine Pairings?

For an additional cost, we can pair each course with wines poured from various fruits picked from our organic farms, where berries, plums, and pears are free to make love to the wind and fondle the birds. We highly encourage guests to plunge themselves into this experience, which bursts with sensual delight. 

What is the Cost? 

Pricing starts at $3,000 per person. Gift cards, printed on edible rice paper, are available.

What Are People Saying? 

Here is just a sample of what people are saying about our Haute Heaux Vegan Tasting Menu:

“Best raspberry I’ve ever eaten.”

“The most serious treatment of vegetables I’ve ever seen.”

“First time I’ve ever had a massage at the dinner table—and it won’t be my last.”

“My plate didn’t feel crowded.”

“I actually felt myself burst with sensual delight.”

“I’ve never seen so much black vegan leather hanging from the ceiling—and singing. It was remarkable.”

“Haute Heaux is making vegetables sexy again.”

“When it was over, I wanted more.”


Cecilia Kennedy (she/her) is a writer who taught English and Spanish in Ohio for 20 years before moving to Washington state with her family. Since 2017, she has published stories in international literary magazines and anthologies. You can follow her on Twitter / X (@ckennedyhola). Instagram: ceciliakennedy2349.

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