Commitment is an act, not a word. Now, I want you two to demonstrate the love you share, right here in the office.

There comes a moment in every woman’s life journey when she reflects on her choices. Maybe it was the decision to attend the same college as her high school boyfriend. Maybe it was the decision to move next door to her in-laws. In your case, it’s the decision you made to wear a jumpsuit to your ex’s wedding.

And now, here you are, in a beige bathroom stall at the local Hyatt, facing the greatest challenge of your adult life: figuring out how to use the toilet while wearing a jumpsuit.

I, Professor Pumpernickel, Chief Socialsciencology Researcher at the American University of America, Guam, have spent the past year alongside my faithful unpaid grad assistants scouring these United States for a codex of sorts—a Rosetta Stone that might decode for us the most cryptic of scripts, the most undercutting of utterances: those curiously curt words barked at us by our fathers.

Unfortunately, the last known copy of that 1902 classic, The Man’s Guide to Manning, appears to have burned up in a Springfield, MO, garage in the late 90s after a tragic turkey deep fryer accident.

Have you ever found yourself wondering: “Man, what is up with German?” Sure, we all have! Well, I’m here to answer that question once and for all.

They said oatmeal.  Eat locally-sourced oatmeal to lengthen and enrich my life.  Then it was fish or blueberries, then that South American grain with the maggoty texture.  Let’s not forget dark chocolate and red wine, or that one green.  You know.  With ropy-stems?  You have to prepare it with a bomb tech’s level of focus just to make it edible.