As adjunct professors in philosophy and Latin American Studies, we try to eat as healthy as possible in an effort to avoid relying on our so-called healthcare (healthscare?) plan—a lifestyle choice that involves the regular purchase of various unaffordable items such as organic milk. Last month our world was rocked when we heard a segment on NPR about how most organic milk is just a drop better than conventional milk. We made the switch back to conventional milk, and though we found ourselves missing the organic label and the way it made us feel, we also found ourselves with an extra $7 a month.

My debut novel has been out for six months and it’s clear from its lack of social media buzz and list-making that it’s complete garbage. Since its release, I have felt nothing but shame and regret. Though I can’t unpublish the book—right?—I would like to take a moment to blame everyone who has encouraged and supported me along the way.