“Third-Person Bio, Alternate Versions,” by Lynda Rushing

Feb 28th, 2024 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Third-Person Bio

Lynda Rushing is a former pathologist turned labor attorney, who now writes. She lives in Massachusetts with her husband and mother.

Third-Person Bio, Explained Like You’re Twelve

Lynda Rushing used to have a job cutting up dead people and looking at parts of living people to figure out why they died (the dead people) or why they’re sick (the living ones). She later became a lawyer who helped punish really mean bosses, and now spends her time writing stories about her life that you can read in magazines. (Although not always, or even usually.) She lives in one of the thirteen original colonies with her husband and her mom.

Third-Person Bio, Explained Like You’re Five

Lynda Rushing went to school for a VERY long time because she was confused about what she wanted to do when she grows up. Plus, no one told her to go outside and play with her friends. She now writes about all the funny, happy, and sad things that have happened to her. She still lives with her Mommy, who tries to feed her snacks, as well as the Daddy of her children, who doesn’t.

Third-Person Bio, Explained to a Genius

Despite earning both an MD and a JD, Lynda Rushing has received no awards, including the MacArthur “Genius” Grant (especially not that one), nor has she done any significant research or contributed to any advanced scholarship in the fields of medicine or law. She has also been unable to discover any interesting synergies between the two fields, which begs the question of why she even bothered. Having failed to reach the pinnacle of either profession, she now writes, and it is highly doubtful that she will achieve any distinction in that arena either. She ponders what went wrong while living with her mother and spouse, her children having long since fled their pedestrian surroundings.

Third-Person Bio, Explained to an Amoeba

Lynda Rushing is an advanced land-dwelling hominid, distantly related to other multi-cellular organisms in the sub-phylum Vertebrata. This includes aquatic variants, such as diverse piscine and terrapin species. While she lacks external flagella or cilia, she is motile, although that feature has diminished markedly with age and as a result of back surgery gone awry. Her organelles, while functional, are poorly visualized, having evolved to exist within the cells of her body. Although she lives very near a lovely pond, she elects to spend her days on dry land in front of her computer with one of the organisms who begat her and her long-time habitat-companion.

Third-Person Bio, Explained to an Extraterrestrial

Lynda Rushing is one of billions of semi-intelligent life forms, known as “humans,” milling about on the third planet circling the sun of a solar system with coordinates in the Orion Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. It would be illogical to abduct her since she has no discernible leadership status amongst her species, nor does she present any apparent danger, given that she has never been part of a space force or any other military or quasi-military unit, including the Girl Scouts of the USA. She has never traveled to distant galaxies or even orbited her home planet, although she recently visited Iceland, whose surface recalls the icy exterior of the ringed planet *><<%#@(+&>> (known there as “Neptune”). She has also read a surfeit of science fiction books in her youth and was a huge fan of the original Star Trek, a well-conceived, although laughably scientifically inaccurate, series watched by humans roughly sixty solar revolutions ago. Her family unit includes the human who gestated and bore her and her mate.

Third-Person Bio, Explained to a Zen Master

Lynda Rushing is the sound of one hand clapping. She is a tree falling in the forest while no one is there. She is a tiger racing towards you as you run towards a cliff. Look! A ripe strawberry is growing on the side of the cliff, and you pluck it seconds before you plummet to your death. Delicious! She tried but hasn’t done great with the eight Buddhist tenets, especially the Right Livelihood one. She is also the granddaughter of a woman who was a member of the Soka-Gakkai sect of Buddhism and is buried on the slopes of Mt. Fuji. For what it’s worth. She lives with her mother, an incarnation of a goddess of the Heavenly Realm (at least), and her long-suffering husband.

Third-Person Bio, Explained to the Nobel Committee in Literature

Lynda Rushing is a former—you know something?—just forget it.


Lynda Rushing is a former pathologist turned labor attorney, who now writes. Her creative nonfiction has appeared in Solstice Literary Magazine, Saranac Review, and The Summerset Review. She lives in northern Massachusetts with her husband and mother.

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