Beautiful, mid-century modern, daylight basement home built in 1960 for sale in thriving southeast Portland. Sitting on 1/3 of an acre, this property feels like a country oasis in the middle of the city. At just over 2,000 square feet and with room to add an ADU in the future, this can be your forever home as well as your income property. The land is lined with well-manicured arbore vitaes that turn a stunning brown in the summer, and beautiful local trees have been planted within the last two years to help offset the carbon footprint of the newly installed central air conditioning.

Hello, Hells Angels. I know it must be a surprise to see me up here—after all, most of you know me as Demon’s Claw, your New Initiate. But in reality, my name is Chet, and I’m a McKinsey Associate. Your president hired me last month to conduct a full review of the club and identify strategies for modernizing it, so I went undercover. I imagine some of you questioned why the new guy who couldn’t shoot a gun—or even ride a motorcycle—was trying to join Hells Angels, but I hope I won you over with my deep knowledge of the history of this organization and a seemingly endless supply of vulgar T-shirts.

As a renter, you can either surrender to the vermin that eat all your Chips Ahoy but don’t pay their fair share of rent or you can blow them off the face of the fucking earth. When the sticky traps suck ass and the snap traps don’t clap, I opt for the war criminal’s favorite initialism: ICBM.

Right after I quiet quit last year, I was like, “Yes! I showed you, Oppressive Chemistry Lab Overlords.” But then I was like, “Shit, this is boring,” so I got to work coming up with ways to fill that time. Who knew work actually made time go by faster?

As adjunct professors in philosophy and Latin American Studies, we try to eat as healthy as possible in an effort to avoid relying on our so-called healthcare (healthscare?) plan—a lifestyle choice that involves the regular purchase of various unaffordable items such as organic milk. Last month our world was rocked when we heard a segment on NPR about how most organic milk is just a drop better than conventional milk. We made the switch back to conventional milk, and though we found ourselves missing the organic label and the way it made us feel, we also found ourselves with an extra $7 a month.