Despite my great desire, I could not have biological children. I lacked an available uterus to inseminate, so I downloaded an app. For a while, my daughter and I were happy. I would feed her lettuce when needed, as indicated by an alarm trigged by her digital algorithm. I brought her to the zoo, etc. and she was bewildered, etc. at the vast diversity of animals, etc. in this amazing world.
No one had made the connection before. But, faced with the facts, the correlation could not be ignored.
“25 Major Cities. 339 Murders. 4 weeks. 1 Common Element: Andrew.”
The front page headline of the Times on June 20, 2010 was viewed by most with an appropriate vein of skepticism. But it was the Times, so surely the facts had been checked and re-checked. And after reading the article, all of us could see that the case was air-tight. Something had gone awry with men named Andrew.
Japanese Tentacle Robot is actually the 57th in a batch of 200 similar robots designed by the Fujiyama Autonomous Robotic Tentacle Company, which isn’t located in Japan at all, but in beautiful Vancouver, Canada. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen computational error, all 200 of the “Tentacular Pleasure Centers” (which is what the robot was called before being marketed to the public as the “Happy Tentacle Friend”) were installed with prototype robotic brain matrices that never should have been put into production. 197 of the models were destroyed. The remaining three escaped into the real world.
Dear Uncle Jay:
My friend Irwin went to several specialists to be treated for an intermittent buzzing sound in his ears. They treated him with everything from ear drops to anti-psychotic drugs to electro-shock therapy, but it turns out Irwin just had an influx of newly-emergent cicadas under the tree in his back yard. Now that his mind has cleared a bit, Irwin did some research and says that some species of cicadas bury themselves in the ground near tree roots for years at a time. Is that true? What do they do down there?
–B.W., Racine, Wisc.
BEHOLD! The thrilling conclusion to Winslow’s adventure is upon us!