I think we humans have been doing a pretty rotten job taking care of the Earth lately, and that we should therefore consider turning over our dominion of the planet to another species. I suggest possums. They are smart and have little hands—maybe they’ll be able to use some of the tools we leave behind. Except jigsaws. I don’t like the idea of possums with jigsaws.
Dear Uncle Jay:
My friend Irwin went to several specialists to be treated for an intermittent buzzing sound in his ears. They treated him with everything from ear drops to anti-psychotic drugs to electro-shock therapy, but it turns out Irwin just had an influx of newly-emergent cicadas under the tree in his back yard. Now that his mind has cleared a bit, Irwin did some research and says that some species of cicadas bury themselves in the ground near tree roots for years at a time. Is that true? What do they do down there?
–B.W., Racine, Wisc.
Dear Uncle Jay:
I have recently been contemplating abandoning my job as an itinerant poultry inspector–I’m really tired of all the politics and drama–in order to pursue a full-time career as a gangster. My friend Irwin says that I will never get anywhere in that field without a catchy and colorful nickname, but I’m at a loss as to how to choose one. Can you help?
–B.W., Racine, Wisconsin
All of these creatures are related to the wild ass, a wacky, horse-like animal known for its sly wit, aggressive behavior during mating season, and an inability to effectively manipulate small power tools such as drills, electric hole punchers, and can openers. The wild ass is now virtually extinct, with small pockets of survivors inhabiting semi-desert regions of Northern Tibet. It is estimated that two or three individuals may also exist by attending liberal arts colleges in the Eastern United States, prolonging their stay by changing majors frequently.
Dear Uncle Jay:
My friend Irwin’s favorite song is “Angie Baby,” sung by Helen Reddy. What he likes about it is the line, It’s so nice to be insane/no one asks you to explain…Irwin thinks that insane people have it made. He says that they are excused from the rules of conduct required from the rest of us, that they can be as rude as they want. Of course, Irwin’s idea of good manners is to raise his pinkies while chugging a 40 oz. of malt liquor at a PTA meeting, but is he finally right about something?
A diagnosis
of psychosis
is not good cause
to dis the hostess.