Dear Caroline,

We are delighted to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has voted to offer you a place in the Gilford Academy Class of 2016! Nearly fifteen thousand students applied for admission to the entering class, making it the most competitive, qualified, and Anglo-Saxon applicant pool in Gilford history.

However, as you prepare for the transition to boarding school, we suggest you look over the following materials very carefully. The zip code, middle school, and surname listed on your application suggest that you won’t fit in otherwise and we want your adjustment to life at the Academy to be as seamless as possible. Enclosed you will find everything you need to make your time at Gilford unforgettable and your middle-class upbringing unnoticeable. Congratulations on your acceptance and we wish you a warm welcome to the Academy.

In a world that’s ever changing, it’s good to know that any information we want we can easily get. From the latest celebrity gossip, to world events, and even that small tracking device you embedded in the skin of that cute girl from the Orange Julius–information is streamed to us through our smartphones, tablets, and

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Today’s strip is the first in a fresh story arc. I figured it was high time Winslow went on an adventure, and what better way to start then by being compelled by your sinister bathroom mirror image? Will Winslow find the fable Crown of Ellipses? Will he defeat the Wizard Octothorpe in the bowels of the enigmatic Parenthetical Castle? Will he turn off the sink?! Find out next week! Or maybe not!

Dear Readers,

For years, we have offered you the option of becoming a paid subscriber to our website, but have always assured you that even if you did not subscribe, we would never erect a paywall to prevent you from enjoying the articles we are so proud to publish. That promise remains as true as ever. In that spirit, we are excited to announce a series of changes that will be rolled out to non-subscribers in the weeks to come:

1. Beginning next month, non-subscribers may begin to notice some altered punctuation in the articles we are definitely not forcing you to pay for. While, this will not prevent you from reading our, fine, con-tent. It may make it slightly more difficult? To do so.

This is the last Friday the 13th strip of the year, and since I started the trend of injuring Winslow in the first two (by having his face scraped off in the first one, and by having his face burst into flames in the second), I knew I’d have to do it again the third time around. This one doesn’t have Dr. Spiderqueen in it, but she’ll come in later. So if you’re itching to see her, just be patient. Good times ahead.