Dear Editor,

This is a letter to the editor because I don’t have money for a classified ad but I still need people to be in my band.

My band is called Elbows in Elevators. Band rehearsals will happen every day in my basement, but we will move into the garage once I sell my piece of crap car.

All right guys, can everybody hear me in the back? Parents, go ahead and turn up your hearing aids if you need to! Haha, just messing with you.

Anyways, welcome to Batesman College. I’m Tyler and I’ll be showing you around. Now, you guys probably already recognize Batesman from the Boner University movies, which were all filmed right here. Pretty cool, right? That was our campus in the original 1983 Boner University: The Motion Picture, and then in Boner U 2: Panty Raid, Boner University III: Dorklinger’s Revenge, then in Boner University: Kappa Gamma Boner, Boner University: Red, White, and Boner, BU2000, and in some of the establishing shots of Boners in Brazil and Euroboner.

By now, I trust you’ve all watched the riveting finale of Downton Abbey, Season 4.

If not, perhaps you should take more leisure time. And also, servants. Because trust me: It was a mother lode of high monarchist drama! Waltzes with the Prince of Wales. A high-class London burglary, replete with clever jokes about socks. A vague hint of emotional depth from Mary. And a much anticipated close up of Mr. Carson’s bare feet.

This is it, folks. The December 2014 issue of Defenestration. Smell it. Savor it.

Eileen and I don’t think about themes when we’re holding onto stuff during our reading periods. We just grab the stuff we like and throw it in a pile to look at later. But I don’t know… sometimes I think we’re either operating on a similar plane of existence or that the submitters have tapped into some hive mind of creativity, because sometimes we end up with a very clear theme.

This month is filled with monsters and misunderstood creatures.

About a year ago, a friend suggested I audition to be Donald Duck in Disneyland. He said it calmly at first, but when I expressed reluctance he adopted a more insistent tone. “You’re a five-foot-tall duck. Your name is Donald. What the hell else are you going to do?”