“ISO: A Reliable Band Mate (“Mate” Need Not Be From Australia),” by Kayla Pongrac

Dec 31st, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Editor,

This is a letter to the editor because I don’t have money for a classified ad but I still need people to be in my band.

My band is called Elbows in Elevators. Band rehearsals will happen every day in my basement, but we will move into the garage once I sell my piece of crap car. I’m looking for a full-out band: a guitar player, a bass player, another guitar player, a drummer, and anyone who plays any other instrument that might make us sound unique and look cool onstage. Also, skinny jeans not allowed. Also, overshadowing the lead singer (me) is not allowed. Thanks.

I would describe my band as punk with a dash of whatever band members I can collect. We will just work with what we have and see how Elbows in Elevators progresses (with the ladies). Also, I think it would be okay if we had one “loser” in the band who is not “hot” but is still talented because I’ve noticed that that happens in a lot of bands.

So if you’re interested in being in my band, I can get you an application. You’ll fill it out and mail it to me with your name, a photo of yourself, your dream venue, and ideas for the title of our first CD (but we’ll probably just go with my idea anyway, which is Elbows in Elevators: It’s Crowded in Here and Nobody is Talking). If I get as many applications as I think I’ll get, applicants’ names will be put in a hat and chosen at random by my grandma (she’ll freaking love that). We’ll record our debut album after a few practices and then go out on tour so special consideration will be given to a guy who has a van we can use and maybe a gas fund that we can dip into, guilt-free if you know what I mean.

Please, no horn players or accordion players. But harmonica players I’ll probably consider.

Steven Maithil of Elbows in Elevators
Defenestration-Kayla PongracKayla Pongrac is an avid writer, reader, tea drinker, and vinyl record spinner. When she’s not writing creatively, she’s writing professionally—for two newspapers and a few magazines in her hometown of Johnstown, PA. To read more of Kayla’s work, visit www.kaylapongrac.com or follow her on Twitter @KP_the_Promisee.

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