Good evening, everyone. My name is Mort Stephenson. I’m the Workshop Coordinator and Director of Interpersonal Relations from Human Resources, and this is my assistant, Jennifer Longley. We’re here with you tonight for a truly historic occasion: Pizza Hut’s very first sensitivity training session for Intergalactic Customer Relations!

I want to emphasize how proud we all are to be part of a forward-thinking organization like Pizza Hut. We are really in there on the ground floor, pioneers ushering in the new age. We don’t know, we really can’t know, what that’s going to look like, but Pizza Hut is going to be ready.

I know, I know – you all were awaiting the final showdown of Strong Female Characters Battle Royale. And trust me, our final two contenders are ready to rumble.  However, I think this is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a pause and ask ourselves the following: Next week is Election Day. And this day

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This strip is based on a misunderstanding my son has about what ghosts say. He thinks they all say “Boom!” but I had to explain to him that most ghosts actually say “Boo!” and that only exploding ghosts say “Boom!” He’s only four, of course, so he hasn’t really encountered ghosts of many varieties. And of course, according to an earlier strip, most ghosts are kids under bedsheets, anyway.

On January 1 2003, I made my first and only New Year’s resolution. I resolved that this would be the year that I lost my virginity. It wasn’t an American Pie-esque pact with friends. I didn’t tell anyone or write it down. It was just a solemn vow I whispered to myself. I was seventeen years old and my interactions with girls had been pretty limited. This was largely due to the lifestyle my high school friends and I had fallen into, which was not entirely conducive to sexual conquests. It was more conducive to the life of a eunuch.

To this very day, I STILL don’t understand why “Dubya” was even compared to Hitler. In his entire eight years as president, not ONCE did the man even attempt to grow a mustache.