Just Say ‘No’ to Nov. 6

Oct 22nd, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

The political season is steadily drawing to a close and all the candidates have taken off the gloves and started throwing hay makers at one another. Both are vying for, what some would view, jobs that are important to the betterment of America (I’d go with underwear inspector #7 but, whatever), and they’re going to do whatever it takes (short of maiming the other guy) to come out ahead. They’re going to try and appeal to all voters across the country, whispering sweet sweet nothings into our ear, while pouring us another glass of wine, all the while telling us to loosen up as their hand steadily creeps up our thigh, looking to score.

Of course, in this case the “score” is our vote, a power granted to us common folk by the founding of this country. However, just because voting is a right granted to all American citizens, doesn’t mean everyone should be exercising that right. Now, don’t get your star-spangled panties in a twist; I’m not saying that I support voting discrimination based on one’s age, race, sex, religion, or their Mary Ann/Ginger preference (Mary Ann by far); but people who lack any sort of common sense or basic knowledge should be kept far, FAR away from any polling centers.

Feeling that a candidate may have socialist, fascist, or communist leanings is fine. You may feel that some of their policies and views may border or cross into that realm, that’s fine and dandy. What’s not is stating that a candidate is a “Communist Nazi.” This is, as we say in the business, “fucking idiotic” as it’s not based in reality at all, as combining two conflicting ideologies together simply because they sound “evil” is not a valid excuse for ignorance. However, it doesn’t just stop there; they take it that extra mile and compare a candidate to some of history’s greatest monsters. All this does is show that not only do they have a terrible grasp on the most basic of historical events, but that they’re complete and utter tools for likening a guy who believes in a form a socialized health care to Joseph Stalin. To this very day, I still don’t understand why “Dubya” was even compared to Hitler. Ignoring the fact Bush didn’t commit any of Hitler’s most heinous acts, in his entire eight years as president, not once did the man even attempt to grow a mustache.

If your refusal to, or reason for, voting for a particular candidate is based on their religious affiliation, please vacate the planet. A common theme in this Presidential election is Obama’s supposed Islamic leanings, if he is, fine, I don’t care, what bothers me is that folks stating they won’t vote for him because of that. They’re bothered that Obama isn’t Christian or Catholic and that he’d lead the country away from God, and the Bible; how he’s the Anti-Christ (wish I made that up) who will implement Sharia law, and yadda yadda, so they’ll cast their vote for the other guy. The “other guy” in this case is one Mr. Romney, a devout Mormon, a man whose religion has told him that Native Americans were white, and that when Jesus returns, Stop Number Two on his worldwide “Guess Who’s Back” tour is going to be Missouri. Not the Vatican, not various locations throughout the Middle East or Disneyland, but Missouri. Being a Missourian myself, if Jesus’s return does in fact include the Show-Me-State, where stores like the “Bait ~N~ Booze” exist, then our salvation may not be as grand as we had initially hoped. Regardless, I’m fairly certain that there are bits and pieces in various texts about “loving thy neighbor” and not being a judgmental prick; why not try giving that a try?

Another wonderful philosophy that’s come into play is a candidate’s net worth or personal fortune. “Candidate B is a multi-billionaire; he could never connect with you, the average American citizen! Vote for our guy!” First off, “their guy” isn’t exactly walking around in suits he picked up off the clearance rack at Burlington Coat Factory, his suit is probably two to three months’ pay for some families. Second, if you were given the choice between being where you currently are financially, or a billionaire, you’d pick being a billionaire, and if you didn’t, you’re lying….or already a billionaire….in either case you’re perfectly suited for a career in politics.

If you plan on voting, then you owe it not only to yourself, and your country, but for any sentient meatbags that have sprung forth from your loins to do so intelligently. Voting is a right that was viewed as sacred, that when one came of age, they’d proudly submit a voter registration card to ensure that their voice was heard. An entire generation of women and African Americans fought and bled for equality when it came to voting. They fought laws that were specifically designed to keep them silent, only to persevere and proclaim that they had a right to be heard just as much as anybody. These older generations kept abreast of issues, they formed opinions, they debated amongst themselves, and they kept the dialogue open and flowing. Now? Large portions of voters are listening to the political pundits on MSNBC or FOX News, which does nothing but fan the flames of idiocy. I’m not telling you to avoid those channels all together, as sometimes, it’s nice to see two extremes of the spectrum so you can stay grounded in reality, but take what they say at face value. If they spout a bunch of facts that seem like poppycock, then do some research. We live in the digital age; believe it or not, there’s more on the internet than porn and humorous cat videos, it’s actually teeming with information (I know! I was shocked myself).

However, if the concept of actually having to put forth the effort to make an informed decision is just too much for you to handle and you CRAVE to be told who to vote for, then the next best choice is submitting a write-in for the one, the only: James Earl Jones. I have no idea why really, haven’t a clue what his political leanings are, hell, he could be for the reinstatement of child labor; but there’s something about Mufasa reassuring the people in a time of crisis that just feels right.



Chris hates anyone or anything which goes against how he feels a sentient being with more than three brain cells should act. He hopes to use his “Encyclopedia Douchebag…ica” as a springboard into becoming a full-fledged, tax exempt religion complete with holidays and greeting cards, mainly so he can steal from its coffers. His hopes are…not that high, knowing that those who needs his guidance most, are unable to read his words… what with the extra flesh from their sloped, ape-like foreheads blinding their eyes from the truth.

When not acting like a complete bastard (which is not very often), Chris writes about all things video game related on his blog iNOOBriated, and his Twitter. He also offers his services as a freelancer for Beckett’s Massive Online Gamer. Yep, he’s a neeeeeerd.

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