Bow Down To MittBot

Oct 29th, 2012 | By | Category: Columns

I know, I know – you all were awaiting the final showdown of Strong Female Characters Battle Royale. And trust me, our final two contenders are ready to rumble.  However, I think this is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a pause and ask ourselves the following:

Next week is Election Day. And this day will determine if Mitt Romney gets his greedy hands on the reigns of our country, a situation that all Strong Female Characters stand against!

What is at stake: women’s health and the right to choose, Planned Parenthood’s cancer screenings, LGBT rights, Medicare, the National Endowment for the Arts and Humanities, equal pay–the list goes on. Hell, if Romney gets his way, then next Thanksgiving he’ll be serving up Big Bird in place of the traditional turkey!

Not worried yet?  Not worried enough? Well, here’s another thought. You don’t just elect a President – you’re giving the President the right to handpick who is in his cabinet!  So, to add to your sense of urgency, here is a short list of the possibilities Romney will keep by his side.


Secretary of State:  Megatron

Most fans of the original Transformers franchise consider it canon that Megatron was destroyed by the evil planet-eating Unicron during the battle for Cybertron. In actuality, after the obliteration of most of the Decepticon forces, Megatron actually retired to Utah where he attended Law School at Brigham Young University. Hey, if you can’t take over a planet by force, there’s always politics!

What? Mitt says we can’t kill our way out of our problems with the Middle East? Oh, Megatron disagrees. In fact, legally speaking, he thinks he can kill his way out the Republican’s problems with California!


Advisor for Gender and Equality: The Binder

The binder has been used as a holding place for working women ever since they escaped from the kitchen. And Romney just can’t thank it enough.

What? You want equal pay and access to cancer screenings? Are all you ladies communists or something?


National Health Inspector: Paula Deen

That’s right, she is everyone’s favorite southern cook and trans-fat enthusiast. But that’s not all! Paula Deen is also a long-time chancellor of the secret council controlling the CIA (that is, the Culinary Institute of America). This lady has power and knows how to use it. So, why partner up with Romney?

Well now, a brilliant marketing scheme: treat people to awesome calorie-infused cooking, give them diabetus and then make millions endorsing diabetic treatments. Oh Paula, you’re one smart cookie. Not to mention when Romney dips his fingers into business regulations and Medicare, it may just mean a little extra dough in their pockets.

She’ll be rich, I tell you. RICH!


Child Welfare: The reanimated corpse of Michael Jackson

Not only will he help devise new safety measures for holding children out of windows, but new safety measures for eating them, too!


Tune in next month for the final finale of STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS (SFC) BATTLE ROYALE.

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