Now that our fall semester is underway, I would like to take a moment to share with you my thoughts on what promises to be yet another remarkable year here at Pillston College.

Our year has begun auspiciously with the arrival of the Class of 2019. Some 180 strong, they represent five states and three foreign countries, including Canada. They are a heterogeneous group, our most diverse ever. In fact, only 92 percent are white, middle class, and hail from one of the three surrounding counties. Our enrollment management team’s efforts to reach out to new populations surely have paid dividends. Just walk around campus and you can see how diverse we’ve become. Our minority students really stand out.

1. You wake up at 6:23 a.m. to the sound of the dog barking at the back door. You go outside to the living room and find your son playing his XBox One, claiming he “doesn’t speak dog” and has no idea what she wants.

2. You head to the bathroom and don’t see the steaming pile of dog shit sitting on the kitchen floor as you nearly pull a groin. Your new slippers are now ruined as you consider the dog really did have to go out.

Following recent mass shootings across the country, the American government has introduced a radical new law in a desperate attempt to plug its overwhelmingly large flow of violent gun crime.

“It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people,” said Senator Hick, speaking to The Daily Newspaper earlier this morning. “It is people that commit these appalling crimes. What is sorely needed are more restrictions on who is allowed to be a person.”

First off, the film runs three hours with dialogue in an invented language that is translated but shown in subtitles that don’t show up well against certain backgrounds. That’s half the movie. Also, special glasses must be worn. Concession stand fare, just for this feature, requires utensils but you must use your non-dominant hand to feed.

Dear Valerie,

I just received your email indicating that you are unable to “move forward” with my piece, “An Activist Prepares: The Theatrics of Social Justice in Contemporary America” which you had previously accepted for publication. I am baffled. As of May, when I first pitched the piece to you, you expressed great interest in publishing it and “couldn’t wait” to hear what I came up with as you thought “the piece is a good fit for us.” (Followed by five exclamation points.)