“Statement From PETA: Deplorable Conditions for Dinosaurs at Jurassic World, Especially the Thousands of Pterodactyls,” by Michael Jungman

Jun 22nd, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

For Immediate Release

A giant shark-eating mosasaur kept in a lagoon like a gold fish in a bowl. A tyrannosaurus rex confined to a terrarium as if it were a mere iguana. Hundreds upon hundreds of pterodactyls crammed into an aviary like so many chickens at a factory farm. These are the deplorable conditions PETA found during an undercover investigation of the dinosaur exploiting theme park Jurassic World. And we cannot stress enough just how many pterodactyls were in that aviary. Think of the number of pterodactyls a biotech company could reasonably clone within a couple of years and then multiply that number by 100. There were so many pterodactyls in that aviary.

The mosasaur once ruled the seas of prehistoric Earth. Yet at Jurassic World, their cloned mosasaur is treated like Shamu, forced to leap from the water for its food in its comparatively tiny habitat. The mighty tyrannosaurus rex roamed entire continents as the terrible king of the dinosaurs, hunting its prey. Yet, at Jurassic World, they feed it meager goats in its enclosure as an audience gawks. And the pterodactyls, the dinosaurs of the sky, presumably flew around and had some space to themselves. At Jurassic World they’re all crammed into this dome that would actually probably be adequate for a couple of pterodactyls, but the park has hundreds if not thousands of the things in there. God knows why they created so many pterodactyls just to shove them into a small enclosure. They were so numerous they couldn’t even fly around. Their wings were constantly clipping each other. Some would manage to make it off the ground only to knock against another panicked pterodactyl. Down they would fall back into the morass. It can’t be cheap to clone and house pterodactyls. Especially not that many. Does having a grotesque amount of them enhance their attraction?

Look, we’ll level with you. PETA is generally against holding any animal in captivity. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that we’re against this dinosaur zoo. There are countless species of cloned dinosaur in Jurassic World roaming a tiny fraction of what they need. The mosasaur and the T-Rex were two especially compelling examples. But you’ve got to believe us when we tell you that this pterodactyl situation is the most egregious case of animal mistreatment we’ve ever seen. At least with the factory farms that mistreat animals, they’re raising those animals to be eaten. And it’s a numbers game, so the cramped, inhumane conditions make economic sense. But what could Jurassic World possibly need with so many pterodactyls? At one point a hatch opened toward the rear of the aviary and a large cage dumped in another dozen or so pterodactyls. The new pterodactyls tumbled in, doomed souls falling down to their new hell. We asked one of the workers if they used pterodactyl eggs or any part of the animal in anything. He told us that they didn’t. We asked him, point blank, why they had so many damn pterodactyls. He just shook his head, smiled, and said, “Dr. Wu loves pterodactyls.” What the fuck.

One more thing—PETA is primarily concerned with the well-being and treatment of animals, but think for a second what would happen if those pterodactyls escaped. And judging by what happened the first time InGen tried to build a dinosaur park, they will escape. The park is on an island. All the park visitors would be trapped there with thousands of flying killing machines with a grudge against the gawking humans who watched them suffer. Are we the only ones who find this whole set up insane? So don’t just think of the pterodactyls, all ten thousand of them crammed into their wretched dome like so much loose change in a mason jar. Think of the people too. Speak out. Help us bring attention to this preposterous pterodactyl situation.

More information is available at PETA.org.


Defenestration-Dapper GentlemanMichael Jungman is a comedy writer currently living in Brooklyn. He has written sketch shows performed at the UCB, PIT, and PIT Loft. He also has a French bulldog named Gnocchi.

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