“First,” by Christopher Hivner

Jul 27th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Comment section for You Tube video Qvst3rtY67: German Heavy Metal Band Schicklgruber’s Mustache–New song “Where is My Lighter, I Have No Cigarette”

Dumbguy60: I love German power metal.

JayJay: Power metal? Were your ears torn off by a weasel? This is obviously symphonic metal.

CrowbarsAreFun: I thought it was doom metal.

Bob: This is awful

JayJay: Doom? Is everyone here an idiot?

Dumbguy60: Hey JayJerk, my ears are fine. Well, except for a little ringing from 40 years working in a machine shop and I am prone to infection since I had rheumatic fever as a kid. Also, when I was six I was hit by a dead bird my brother threw at me and the beak lodged in my ear drum.

SallyMay: First!

Dooonuts: First!

Frodo1000: I don’t know. Symphonic? Maybe. But I also hear American emo-core, Italian punk by way of Greek folk and more importantly underpinnings of Scandinavian proto-black melodic metal.

XJ10: I was brought here by the video game “Mountains out of Mole Hills”. This song plays while alien parasites eat into your brain. Sweet!

OldMan85: I prefer their earlier stuff when they played guitars made out of pork loins. What a sound!

JayJay: Jeez dumb guy, your screen name is apt.

CrowbarsAreFun: To be fair I mostly listen to Latin jazz, so . . .

Rummy: First!

HowieWowie: Is this a cover of a Taylor Swift song?

JayJay: Frodo . . . I have no words for how stupid your comment is. Emo-core? Scandi . . . what?? Go back to your perch on Misty Mountain ring boy.

Zimzam: What is this?

JayJay: Howie wowie– What???

OldMan85: The drummer Albrecht used to play a snare covered with roasted turkey. Dark meat only. They were much better in their meat instrument phase.

Katydidnt: I saw these guys open for Bloody Stool at a club in Demoines. The singer puked on everyone in the front row. What a transcendent experience.

HowieWowie: I’m not kidding. Taylor Swift has a song called “Why Did My Celebrity Boyfriend Leave Me This Time?” that sounds exactly like this.

666: Metal!

HairyKnuckles: Hey Katy, I was at that show too. Were you the girl in sandals who was ankle deep in vomit?

11001100: First!

JayJay: Howie wooie, you’re telling me you believe a post post-punk, pre-millennial, multi-generational German symphonic glamour metal band is stealing from Taylor Swift, a new-country, light-pop princess?

Dumbguy60: You know what’s “apt” JayJizz is that you had to repeat your name so you could remember it. And this is power metal!

Katydidnt: Hairy, that was me! I got an infection from the shrimp the singer had for his pre-show meal. I was in the hospital for three months! God, what a night. I had two toes amputated!

Milli: This is great. Sounds like Bon Jovi.

MyHairIsOnFire: First!

OldMan85: In the late 90s I saw the singer Matthias using a mike stand made of bovine femurs. Between songs he would suck out the marrow to stay energized. Man, this music makes me hungry.

HowieWowie: This song sounds like Taylor Swift, end of story.

HairyKnuckles: Katy, marry me!

JayJay: ??? My head is going to explode!!!

Dumb guy if you think Schicklgruber’s Mustache is anything but a transitive meditation on society’s uselessness rendered through Mozart using flying V guitars, a bass reminiscent of Yo-Yo Ma’s cello and drums that could fracture the Earth’s tectonic plates, then your screen name needs to be moronguy #1!

Milli — Bon Jovi!??! Are you insane? The Mustache are the most talented post-modern purveyors of heavy metal music used to bludgeon the minds of the bleating sheep as they trample asunder what once made this society great while Bon Jovi is a trite entry in the world of hair metal bands who are in and of themselves trite and meaningless making Bon Jovi so devoid of depth that next to them Motely Crue are doctoral scholars!

Howie — Taylor Swift does not play metal! This cannot sound like Swift. Do you have ears? A brain? Taylor cooks up confectionary songs in her Easy Bake oven, coats them with a layer of melted butter and treacle then bestows them on an unsuspecting populace as an ear worm that rots the brain, causing mass diabetic shock due to the sugary nature of the sound, message and presentation!! Ahhhhh!

DidyaDoya: First!

Bob: This is still awful.


Defenestration-Generic Male 01Christopher Hivner writes from a small town in Pennsylvania surrounded by books, the echoes of music and cream filled donuts. His walls have plenty of space for writing awards if anyone wants to give him one. A collection of short horror stories, “The Spaces Between Your Screams” was published by eTreasures Publishing. website: www.chrishivner.com, Facebook: Christopher Hivner – Author, Twitter: @Your_screams

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