Coming to a theatre near you—as soon as the anti-woke, “Christian,” misogynistic armchair critics finish tanking the ratings and forcing the cast members to quit showbiz!

Dear Kevin in 3C:

Congratulations on the five-day bender. Incredible. How did all those people fit in your apartment? My wife and I thought nothing would ever top your last Labor Day marathon. You’re an inspiration, Kevin. We used to get wild. The baby made us forget. But you’re our reminder, Kevin, that the party’s still out there.

Here at Placebo Meadows we believe that no matter how old you are, you should always be willing to participate in the joy of learning. With that thought in mind, we are pleased to announce this year’s lectures. Dates will be announced in the near future.

My dear fellow members of the Agatha Christie fan club, as club President, I speak to you today in a time of intense sadness for our organization. It has now been two weeks since our newest member, my dear friend Fred, has died, and unfortunately, the police are no closer to cracking his case. His death remains an enigma, no matter how many times I visit his grave, no matter how many times I unearth his casket, and no matter how many times I interrogate him.

Two weeks of training on my LegXercise Ellipse motorized under-desk foot-mover transformed me from a never-exerciser into an elite marathoner. The Ellipse (as seen on TV every three minutes) is a high-tech, passive exercise machine that moves your feet forward and backward while you sit.

Active Running is outdated. It’s what cavemen did to escape a nagging mate.