Defenestration

“The Importance of Being Careful,” by Joseph Buehler

While Tolstoy wrote outdoors,
his goat
would eye him suspiciously,
making sure he wrote nothing
that was anti-goat,

“Heyoka,” by Peter Cole Friedman

Each joke
is a crack
of thunder,
a rupture
in the sky’s
grammar.

“Indexers in Love,” by Mary Cresswell

hail, fellow well met, 1
handful, protagonist seen as quite a, 2
happiness as goal, 46
hazards, 56, 75, 113
headstrong, 2
heart: broken, 56; in mouth, 24–28; murmur, 123; of darkness, 307. See also lungs, liver, lights

“‘Happy Holidays’: Bah, Humbug!” by Tom Jemielity

Pity poor Ebenezer Scrooge. Throwing open his window that nippy December morning, he’s so culturally insensitive as to wish everyone a merry Christmas (Pardon my language!). Had he only known how to celebrate the seasonal festivities in a more thoughtful, less offensive way, he could have shouted “Happy Holidays” at all he met. Scrooge, alas, forgot that lots of people out there are not Christians, don’t know what a Christian is, don’t take being a Christian seriously, regard themselves only as nominal Christians, hate Christians, or have vague ideas at best that something Christian is somehow or other connected with December 25th. That’s a big audience ready to be offended. Be very careful.

Dear Santa…

Being turned down by attractive celebrities is how sociopaths are made. At least in the cartoon world. Winslow is very likely to start kidnapping princesses next. That’s just how these things go down.

Roman Holiday Boxing

Dear Jonathan, I just saw Tallafornia. Any suggests on what I can watch now in order to avoid night terrors? ———————– Two things you should know about me. #1 – I love British television series, especially historical dramas. #2 – I have an unhealthy infatuation with evil bitchy women in power. So this would explain [...]

“A Copy Center Journal,” by Jesse William Olson

Day 1

Started my new job today here at the university, thought I’d keep a journal. Staffing a help desk in the library copy center. Real boring. Read a piece of paper from the recycle bin that caught my eye called “Why Fascism is the Wave of the Future.” Listened to a guy talk to his phone for an hour in a different language while scanning things. He left without saying anything to me. Did not need help with the copiers, I guess.

Must figure out things to do. I wish there was a window.

You’re a [Redacted] One, Mr. Grinch

Right about now, you’re smack dab in the middle of the various Christmas holiday cartoons that run rampant until Christmas. It’s a great time to gather the little ones around the warm glow of the television and for a few days of the year, pretend like you’re a normal well-adjusted family, and that dad’s drinking [...]

Dear Ms. Hayek…

Now that Winslow has won a sizable (if undefined) amount of money with a winning lottery ticket, it’s time to spend it! Money in the hands of Winslow is a potential danger. He’s just as likely to spend it on ham sandwiches, night vision goggles, and girlie mags as he is on stolen antiquities and doomsday devices. The option depicted here is a more responsible choice: hiring Salma Hayek to star in a movie is an investment, really. Just think of the money he could make with this thing!

“The Truth about Those Lincoln-Douglas Debates,” by Michael Fowler

Today’s televised political debates are a difficult medium for the candidates, since each must craft a memorable sound bite of his or her position in thirty seconds for an audience that would rather be watching Dancing with the Stars or Chopped. But were things better on town squares and fairgrounds in Illinois in 1858 when the candidates spoke uninterrupted for two hours on a rickety wooden platform in each of seven open-air encounters? Here’s the truth about those highly touted Lincoln-Douglas debates.