Defenestration: December 2008

Welcome to the December 2008 issue of Defenestration! This is the last issue of Defenestration you’ll see before you a.) gorge yourself on holiday foodstuffs and b.) vomit yourself back to your old weight after drinking too much at your cousin’s New Year’s Eve party.
Bigfoot enjoyed writing last month’s editorial, but today he’s outside shoveling [...]

“Vexed in Verona,” by Siobhan Welch

Dear Abby, I’m a teen-age girl whose life is a mess.
Poison seems my only hope, unless

you can give me some advice about this boy.
You see, at first I tried to act coy
 
but he’s persistent, so that didn’t work.
Oh it’s about to drive me berserk
 
the way he constantly recites poetry!
(Dead men’s words just don’t excite me).
 
One [...]

“Candid thoughts upon the recent purchase of your king size bed,” by Courtney Maum

Upon learning that you had purchased a brand new, Sealy postrapedic king size bed, I could not help but delve into the bank of observations I have collected over the years about the owners of king size beds, and I thought that I would share them with you because I got married before you and [...]

“Lincoln’s Bedpan,” by Ravi Mangla

Antique Roadshow is in town. I stop in. Why not? I tell them I’ve got something that’s going to knock their argyle socks off. Lincoln’s bedpan. His actual bedpan. That he peed in while president. Circa 1867. Like a golden apple that’s tumbled down the family tree.
He puts on his bifocals, turns it over in [...]

“5 Positive Things about Being Unemployed,” by Bridgett Gayle

The news is such a drag; all this negative talk about the credit crunch and increasing job loss. I, on the other hand, make pink lemonade from pink slips. Here are five positives to being unemployed that you might’ve overlooked.
1. Becoming Bill Murray
Ever watch Groundhog Day and thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to get [...]

“Oh Susanna, I Can See I Can See,” by Pat Moran

It was then that I realized why they had called her “Sausage Toes” in High school.
I hadn’t noticed them before, when they had been hidden away from the world in her undersized Chuck Taylors. She had this way of sitting with her legs awkwardly stacked on top of each other, her feet extended straight up [...]