“Candid thoughts upon the recent purchase of your king size bed,” by Courtney Maum

Dec 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

Upon learning that you had purchased a brand new, Sealy postrapedic king size bed, I could not help but delve into the bank of observations I have collected over the years about the owners of king size beds, and I thought that I would share them with you because I got married before you and am twenty days older than you and thus possess a well of knowledge that is infinite and vast. My well has no bottom.   

First of all, owning a king size bed allows you to grow larger. You have 25% more room for your corpulent mass in a king size bed than you do in a queen. This is a fact, though many an eager, married American has jumped at the opportunity to test its validity because Americans don’t listen. You should not allow yourself to horizontally expand just because you have more room to do so. You should also not allow yourself to increase in size because you’ve found someone who likes you a whole bunch. In theory, you are going to have to look at this chap for the rest of your life. Many people’s lives last a really long time- like years and years and years, so it is of the utmost importance that your spouse looks good because you are going to have to wake up next to him for an incalculable amount of mornings. When my mother got remarried for the fourteenth time, she purchased a king size bed to mark the occasion. Now my mother has increased her body mass by one hundred and five percent, her new husband by four thousand percent. They are currently unable to fit in any bed smaller than a king size. When they travel, they need to verify all sorts of embarrassing details before choosing a hotel. Do they have a king size bed? Do they have a king size shower? Do they have an icemaker? (Large people tend to overheat). There is an upside to ones parents being unable to sleep in anything smaller than a king sized bed. If you don’t own one, they can’t come to visit. You might want to keep this in mind. 

Secondly, I feel that I must tell you that a king size bed allows you to accomplish all sorts of naughty things without your spouse even noticing. You can read silly, inane magazines and tell him that you are catching up on Tolstoy. He won’t know the difference because he will be seventy miles away from you on the other side of the mattress. You can get away with other things, too, like not shaving your legs and not brushing your teeth properly- or not brushing them at all. If you find yourself paying less attention to your grooming, you should realize that you are probably on your way to becoming a fat person. None of this is good. Studies have shown that there is a correlation between ones appearance and the longevity of ones marriage. Of course, you have a leg up on the situation because your husband to-be is already old. So you can probably get away with not shaving your legs, but not for a couple of years, at least.   

You would think that owning a king size bed would infuse your marital life with an unmanageable passion and the ever-present desire to fornicate. Although true at first, it must be pointed out that the tremendous size of a king size bed promotes apathy and laziness. You might find the distance between yourself and your spouse of such incredible breadth that you find it too taxing to roll the heck over and give him a goodnight kiss. This is unacceptable. You should always give your spouse a goodnight kiss. Even if he did something naughty like force you to drink red wine instead of white, or admitted that he never (ever) liked the song “Tiny Dancer”, you should still roll over, traverse the vast wasteland between your side and his, and give the poor fellow a goodnight kiss for Christ’s sake. You should probably use tongue because after you’ve been married for a year or so, you will stop French kissing.

In summary, if you want to live a happy, married life, you should get rid of your king size bed, do away with his and her sinks, and start dressing in each other’s clothing. Although a single bed is small and uncomfortable and, by nature of its name, only intended for one body, you should probably buy one because, at least that way, you will always have each other’s back in a very literal sense of the term.


Courtney is a freelance writer based out of a poorly insulated log cabin in the Berkshire mountains of Massachusetts. She supports herself by writing snarky copy and eating lots of linguine. In her free time, she likes to write novels that will never be read. She can be reached at cbmaum@gmail.com.

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