“5 Positive Things about Being Unemployed,” by Bridgett Gayle

Dec 20th, 2008 | By | Category: Prose

The news is such a drag; all this negative talk about the credit crunch and increasing job loss. I, on the other hand, make pink lemonade from pink slips. Here are five positives to being unemployed that you might’ve overlooked.

1. Becoming Bill Murray

Ever watch Groundhog Day and thought, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to get a do-over, a second chance to get it right”? Your wish is granted! While being unemployed for an extending length of time [Note: It MUST be an extending amount of time. No less than 30 days. Please wait for benefit.] not only will your days feel as if they’re starting over again, just like in the movie, but will start to blend together which makes it feel wondrously endless. Fridays feel like Mondays, Saturdays like Thursday, etc. It’s like a vacation from your calendar.

TIP: After 60 days go ahead and throw out your calendar. Skip the tedious task of remembering days, dates, months. This will free up brain space for pondering how you’re going to pay your rent. Trashing the calendar will also assist you in avoiding that feeling of being unproductive.

2. Finding Your Friends

Aren’t you tired of being forced to listen to people ramble on about their lives, about their annoying boss, or what stupid thing their kids did? You couldn’t care less. These chatty folks are often the ones who don’t bother to ask “how’re you doing today?” Now that you’re unemployed these people will go away, some faster than others, but they WILL go away eventually. Give it about three to four months (it could take longer so please be patient) for these “friends” of yours to go MIA.

Some surprises my occur like that coworker you hardly spoke with call to check up on you. Or your sibling who used to torment you when you were kids, to come by with Chinese takeout or a large pizza because they know you haven’t gone grocery shopping or stopped eating altogether. (Have you seen the cost of food lately?) You’ll discover who your true friends are.

SIDEBAR: If you’ve been a jerk most of your life, your friends were just tolerating you anyway. Who needs ’em. If you suck at making friends because you’re too shy to talk anyone, well, nothing much will change for you. And that’s a good thing too.

3. Time Off from Talking

The problem with having conversations is that it’s exhausting. You have to make sense, which means you have to actually know what you’re talking about and that requires doing the work of learning something beforehand. And then, if that wasn’t enough, you have to figure out how to present your info in an engaging and interesting manner. What a headache! Use this time to shut up. No one wants to hear that you’re unemployed. Take it from me apparently this is depressing news for folks with jobs. And they also don’t want to be warned that they can end up like you any day now. They don’t consider this a public service. So use this time to give your mouth a break.

4. Gold Digger Repellent

Having a job puts you in a box, in some arbitrary financial status. Women want men with good jobs and, frankly, that’s so shallow. Does she want you or your paycheck? I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger but she just might be. Now freed from those socio-economic shackles you can discover who’s really in to you. There’s naked but there’s jobless naked, which is way more naked than naked.

If she sticks around while you’re scanning job ads on Craig’s List-she’s the one. Rush right away down the aisle, preferably down the Justice of the Peace hallway; weddings are crazy expensive. Forget that most marriages end due to money problems because love conquers all. I read that somewhere. I believe it and you should too.

SIDEBAR: To those who are already married when they got their pink slips, here’s to hoping you had picked the right spouse. Consider this an exciting opportunity to find this out.

5. Become a TV Aficionado

Not yet a career opportunity but your 42-inch snazzy flat screen TV can’t watch itself. It’s about time you start enjoying it at least 12 hours a day. Ignore those snobby scholars who say that TV is mindless entertainment. They obviously haven’t watched Dr. Oz on Oprah who will likely be the only doctor you’ll see for a while. Besides, you can read a book later. Reality TV shows don’t air reruns.

TIP: Okay to substitute TV watching with video games. Wii is awesome.

I hope this helped you to view your unemployment in a brand new light. Others may not share your new vision.


Bridgett Gayle is considered a writer because she writes occasionally. She’s even managed to get paid for it by making a living as a writer or as an editor, helping other writers write gooder. She’s had several short stories (from contemporary to traditional) published in legitimate literary magazines. At least that’s what she thinks.

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