Did you see this article in the Telegraph—“The Kardashian sisters are the true heirs to The Brontës”? I don’t know if you have the Kardashian app yet or not but my phone pinged with it first thing.

So you’re expecting the scrrrrrrrrritch of little claws—congratulations! You’ve heard the old saying that hatchlings don’t come with instruction manuals, but in fact many well-meaning friends and relatives are probably already bombarding you with advice. Never fear; no one expects you to know everything, and even the best parents occasionally slip and eat their offspring. For now relax, take a deep breath, and start familiarizing yourself with the basics.

Tricia Jones’ combination of organic cereal and milk was lauded an exquisite example of culinary achievement by her two children at breakfast this morning. Ms. Jones, who describes her two children as “little foodies,” listened as they praised her choice of O-shaped cereal from a niche grocery chain known for healthy offerings. When asked, they offered resounding praise for the blending of ancient grains and organic milk.

First, put your cell phone policy on the syllabus: “No cell phone use in class.” Before printing, debate whether or not to add “please.” These are adults. Would you want to be commanded? Add “please.” But they should know you mean business. Delete “please.” Put it in. Take it out.

Red: Red sighs very deeply. “Ugh, don’t even get me started on her,” says red, before changing the subject.