“Horoscope Predictions For The Goddesses That You Are,” by Martin H. Levinson

Feb 10th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Capricorn Dec. 22—Jan. 19

Next week you’ll meet the man of your dreams at the deli counter in the supermarket. He’ll be wearing a white uniform and a papier-mâché hat and he will ask you if you want your bologna sliced thin. Smile demurely and ask him what he would recommend to people who like average-sized sandwiches. If he says, “I don’t give advice on matters like that, I just cut the meat the way the customer tells me to” he’s the wrong fellow. It’s the chap next to him who’s the man of your dreams.

Best day to go food shopping: Wednesdays. That’s when the food discount coupons are in the newspapers. Don’t forget to make a list of what you need before you go out and wear something pretty. The deli guy will appreciate that.

Aquarius Jan. 20—Feb. 18

Easy does it, you’ve earned the right to relax a little now that the professional props you’ve struggled for are yours. So go out this weekend and get a manicure, a pedicure, and a “headicure” (that’s a new hair style, gorgeous). Then, seeing as you’re a water sign, get sloshed Saturday night and sleep it off the next morning. When you rise in the afternoon treat yourself to a mimosa brunch, knock off that bottle of Scotch in the cupboard, and have your boyfriend come over with a six-pack of beer. Life’s short. Party on!

Best day to join Alcoholics Anonymous: Today!

Pisces Feb. 19—Mar. 20

Your evil mother-in-law is coming to your house for dinner and it’s freaking you out. Cool it, Pisces! The situation can be handled. Ring the old bag up and say you’ve had it with her complaints that you don’t treat her son well and that your house looks like a pigsty. Tell her if she doesn’t want to get a knuckle sandwich for dinner, she better behave herself when she visits. Then slam down the phone and buy yourself a mink coat, a diamond ring, and a new car. Living well is the best revenge.

Best day to consult with a divorce attorney: Soon, particularly if hubby’s a mama’s boy.

Aries Mar. 21—Apr. 19

Difficult people are a piece of cake for you so treat an irksome aunt or tough client to lunch and you’ll glide away with what you desire. To guarantee such gliding, spike your tablemate’s food with Ecstasy and have some yourself before you eat. One doesn’t have to go to McDonald’s for a happy meal.

Best day to take in culture: The day the circus comes to town. If circus tickets are sold out, buy a ticket to the opera. It’s like the circus but with fewer animals.

Taurus Apr.20—May 20

WOW, WOW, and triple WOW!!! Time to quit your job because you’re going to win the lottery. You’ll be able to do whatever you want for the rest of your life. How about loaning me five Gs? I promise to pay you back with interest.

Best day to spoil yourself: Any day you want to, moneybags.

Gemini May21—June 20

Working late at the lab is a good idea, as it will enable you to discover a cure for cancer. But don’t tell the boss about your discovery. Instead, shop it around to the major pharmaceuticals. Congrats in advance on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine, sweetie brains.

Best day to have the press come over to your house for interviews: There is no best day, but it’s probably better if the reporters drop by after the cleaning lady has gotten a chance to give your place a thorough going-over.

Cancer June 21—July 22

Flirt alert! Your ex from college will bring love into your life, if you’re open to it. However that love will come with a hitch, as Chad has become a Mafia gangster and is running from the law. But there’s an upside, precious. If the relationship turns sour you’ll be able to turn Chad over to the authorities for a substantial reward.

Best day to join the Witness Protection Program: The day you call the cops on Chad.

Leo July 23—Aug. 22

Spotlight, please! You’re a knockout from the 24th to the 30th, thanks to powerhouse Pluto and the $100,000 you’ve invested in plastic surgery. Wear a dazzling outfit and create conversation to match. You’ve got a window of just one week here to snag Mr. Right, angel face. Don’t blow it.

Best day to celebrate: When he gives you that ring.

Virgo Aug. 23—Sept. 22

Time to redecorate! Your home is your castle but where are the royal accouterments, my queen? Do you have a throne, red carpet, stonewalls, a gatehouse, and a moat? No! What are you waiting for? Build your royal field of dreams and the princes will come.

Best day for a royal wedding: The day Prince Charming asks you to be his.

Libra Sept. 23—Oct. 22

You’re on a giving spree, mailing checks to charities and granting favors, and all that good karma is going to pay dividends for you. The question is where will you invest those dividends? Long-term CDs are an option, but my broker says you can do better with similar protection in blue-chip securities. Give me a buzz if you want his number.

Best day to wield power: Any day you can, moolah momma.

Scorpio Oct. 23—Nov. 21

Every time you think about running for the office of president of the United States you get butterflies in your stomach. Well, suck it up, Chicken Little. If you want to be the POTUS you’ll need to go out there and make your case to the voters. Pace yourself and try not to put your foot in your mouth when you’re giving speeches. It’s better to keep both feet on the ground. Good luck, and if you win the election I’d be proud to serve in your cabinet as Secretary of Love.

Best day to get out of Afghanistan: IMMEDIATELY!!!

Sagittarius Nov. 22—Dec. 21

Though the stars indicate some turbulence on the horizon, this could be a good time to have a passionate fling. Don’t forget to radio the control tower before zooming off on your love affair. And buckle yourself in. Romance is hardly ever a smooth ride under the best of conditions.

Best day to solo: When he’s off drinking with his buddies.
Defenestration-Martin H. LevinsonMartin H. Levinson is a member of the Authors Guild, National Book Critics Circle, and the book review editor for ETC: A Review of General Semantics. He has published nine books and numerous articles and poems in various publications. He holds a PhD from NYU and lives in Forest Hills, New York.

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