Don’t know what to make for dinner? How about the old stand-by, chicken? But don’t worry, you can jazz it up in ten different mouth-watering ways. These recipes are quick, easy, and completely serious.

• My sleep number is 10. Milligrams of Ambien
• I graduated from the 14th grade, is how my parents put it
• To date, I’ve had only 2 ‘Aha’ moments but well over 2,000 instances of ‘Duh’

I’ve always had a very laissez-faire attitude about germs. I feel like it is better to leave them alone than to make enemies of them. Nowadays, it sure seems like most people in our increasingly germaphobic society do not share my tolerance. It looks like biological warfare has been declared, and we are the aggressors.

Wait for the one sunny day per year in Seattle. The lawn also needs mowing, but the bike is more time-sensitive, because you must dry it thoroughly before it gets wet again.

The Multi-pocalypse!

Stay away from Cormac McCarthy/Octavia Butler novels, sharknadoes, anything with a whiff of zombies including corporate bookstores and public or college libraries (remember: zombies CAN sneak up on you! Be vigilant!).