“My Vital Stats: Let Me Run the Numbers for You,” by Nancy Katt

Oct 29th, 2014 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

• My sleep number is 10. Milligrams of Ambien
• I graduated from the 14th grade, is how my parents put it
• To date, I’ve had only 2 ‘Aha’ moments but well over 2,000 instances of ‘Duh’
• My breast size is 38GGG (I know!)
• My blood pressure is 150/98 but I’m on meds so, fingers crossed, this headache is not an impending stroke
• My weight is none of your fucking business
• My age is whatever the new 30 is
• My OS is my nephew, who’s 9
• I have 7 followers on Twitter. No, wait. I think I have 8
• I live in a 450 square foot apartment that came equipped with 5 smoke detectors, which seems like 4 more than is necessary
• One of the 5 smoke detectors chirps every 24 hours, at 3:00 a.m.
• I couldn’t figure out which detector was chirping so I tore down all 5 of them
• Now I have zero working smoke detectors (just kidding, Allstate-I’m putting one or all 5 back up right now)
• I wear a size 12 8 10 6 14 medium
• I can do only 1/10 of one push-up but I could do, like, 100 jumping jacks, if someone held a gun to my head and screamed, “100 jumping jacks, NOW, fatty, or I’ll blow your head off!”
• My car is 9 years old and has 98,000 miles on it (just kidding, Geico-it has 75,000 miles, just as I reported to you)
• I try to change the oil and filter on my car at least every 7,500 miles (just kidding, Honda-I definitely change it every 3,500 miles)
• The longest period I had was the one when I bled from age 14 until I was 26: you do the math
• Naturally, I rate myself as a “10”. Honestly, I’m more like an “11”

Defenestration-Nancy KattNancy Katt holds an MFA from Princeton. It’s not hers. She’s just holding it, for a friend. You can follow Nancy on the NJ Turnpike, where you’ll find her weeping in despair. Or you can follow her on Twitter @KattsDogma.


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