Let me be the first to welcome you to Earth. And let me assure you right off the bat that I’m not too proud to beg for my life, nor to serve you in any degrading manner you see fit. I’m sure I can make myself useful to you in some small, yet indispensable way. I’m not particularly well informed or intelligent, but I like to think I have better taste and more common sense than the average citizen of our humble little planet. All of my modest abilities are at your disposal.

Are you seeking a soulmate and also fed up with your grime-covered home exterior? Well, lend Joe a power washer and get ready to be wooed by his encyclopedic knowledge of what some call “the golden age of hoisting mechanism jurisprudence.”

I began my Shakespeare studies under Professor Alfred Wainscot at the University of Cincinnati in 1982. Dr. Wainscot had recently published his groundbreaking study of the Bard’s so-called problem plays, with special attention to the deformed Greek Thersites in Troilus and Cressida. A month after handing out our freshman class syllabus, he was found face down in the Ohio River near the Serpentine Wall in Cincinnati, his body riddled with .45 cartridges and a cinderblock tired around his neck. He was identified, even so, by his alert look.  

I’m a 34FF cup (or more) with an A cup personality. You won’t find me leaning over tables revealing where my tan line ends. You won’t catch me in skin tight sweaters or low-cut halters. You’ll never find me lounging by the pool without my t-shirt. In my fantasies, I’m an artsy, dramatic figure, a sleek line dressed in black from head to toe, my hair pulled back in a pony-tail, my back bent over a 1960 typewriter. Tiny, perky breasts emerge from this fantasy silhouette. At times, I have almost accomplished that svelte figure, but two large obstacles always obstructed my way.

I can barely stand to say this, much less write about it, but I think it’s fair to warn you that our faces are infested with mites. There, I said it. I stumbled across this unnerving information in the reputable magazine where I read it, and thought it my duty to pass it along.