Have you always yearned to become a published author, but didn’t know where to begin? Great news! There’s never been a better time to make your dreams come true. Follow these six simple steps in my popular Think System, and you’ll be adding ‘author’ to your résumé in no time.

1. Write something. Anything. Doesn’t really matter. The content isn’t as important as you think. Don’t stress about it. Just pump out at least 60,000 words.

2. Take advantage of this time-limited offer to download the Think System for only $9,999. That’s nearly half off the full price!

3. Using the Think System’s proven methods, you will learn how to query literary agents, the publishing world’s gatekeepers. These agents typically accept 0.06 percent of the manuscripts they receive annually. Put another way, an agent signs about three authors for every 5,000 submissions. Without the Think System, your odds of becoming one of the chosen are even worse, close to nil, in fact.

4. If you decide “to hell with finding an agent,” the Think System is there for you! Simply dig into what’s left of your savings or your retirement account and set aside another $10,000. My system will tell you how to spend every dollar. Without giving too much away, I’ll just say you’ll need it for your website, cover art, publishing fees, marketing and advertising, publicists, social media influencers, and search-engine optimization specialists. Some of our clients set aside additional fees for a therapist, but that’s a personal decision. This will all make sense once you unlock the secrets of the Think System.

5. Congratulations! You’re a published author (thanks to the Think System)! Now it’s time to sell books! But first, you need to give a lot of them away. (Don’t forget to set aside additional funds to buy your own books. They don’t sell themselves, you know!) Chapters 11 through 13 explain how to troll the Internet and specialized social media sites in search of readers willing to review your new book, which hopefully stimulates sales. You’ll find dozens of tips on how to write effective begging letters and emails, how to butter up your relatives, how to approach strangers in the street, and secret tricks for bribing potential reviewers without them realizing it. Authors of young-adult fiction take note: Chapter 14 focuses exclusively on perfectly legal ways to persuade young readers to (positively) review your novel. No “ick” factor here, if you follow my methods.

6. The Think System is famous for meeting authors where they are. So if, after becoming a published author, you find yourself a bit strapped for cash, Chapter 26 provides detailed instructions and illustrations for making posters that you can hold up on street corners, at bus stops, and on subway platforms, to advertise your book. Examples are provided of authors who dress up as their main characters, to catch the attention of passersby. My guerilla book-marketing methods are unsurpassed.

————

Amy L. Bernstein writes about the intersection of politics and culture for the stage and the page. Her novel, Ell, will be published by Scarsdale Publishing in 2021, followed by The Potrero Complex from Regal House Publishing in 2022. Selected short plays are published by Routledge and Leicester Bay Theatricals; short fiction by Flying Ketchup Press and Fleas on the Dog; and poetry by Passaic/Voluspa and Yellow Arrow Journal. An award-winning former journalist, Amy is also a 2014 recipient of a Ruby Artist Award from the Greater Baltimore Cultural Alliance.