Are you tired of feeling depressed? Worn-out by justifying your failures to your dwindling social circle? Sick of wasting thousands of dollars on a certified psychiatrist to bring up topics that you have carefully repressed?

Do you wish there was a better way? Well now there is.

It’s never too late to be a great Renaissance artist. Yes, the original Renaissance was a long time ago, but it’s making a comeback. Renaissance? So retro. R-squared, baby.

Dear Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family Products Customer,

We are writing to notify you of a possible safety issue with one of our products. Our records indicate that you have purchased a potentially dangerous Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family item in the past.

I get asked to work in haunted houses a lot.

My sister gets asked all the time to do professional modeling.

We’re both tall, but I get seen as Frankenstein’s monster and my sister gets seen as Naomi Campbell.

There’s a common type of person, known to all people, who is regularly referred to in a pejorative sense. He or she is the lowest form of human and is looked down on even by people who are also this combination of human being and refuse, even though they may not recognize the terrible qualities in themselves.