An excited Professor Maxwell watched from behind his podium as the last Chemistry 101 students trickled into the lecture hall. Professor Maxwell wasn’t excited because today marked the start of another semester, or even because he loved teaching chemistry. Professor Maxwell was excited because he was an asshole. A fresh batch of doe-eyed pre-medical students meant another opportunity to give The Speech.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a beautiful princess. Hated by her influential, evil younger sisters, and banished from her kingdom, she lived in constant terror. A target for ruthless assassins, surrounded by deadly traps and blood-thirsty monsters, she fought for her life. In desperation, she sought the help of a famous knight, Sir Gregor de Bute. 

We are on Spin. It’s got the latest, before it’s too late. Cash is so, like, last century and plastic is a slow draw. Spin’s now. See it. Yours today. Now. Wear it, hold it, eat it, drink it, watch it, sit on it. Now. We love Spin, plugs every gap in our deep need profiles. See it, grab it, let the device track the debts – not a worry, they’re just feeding the economy. Flash spin and the wheels keep turning. Yeah. New wheels, we could use some of those. Check the screen. There they are. Soon get a bleep from DeliverE. Window in a couple of hours.

The year be 2007, and me matey’s and I just docked on the shore of new land, a place where all the scoundrels of the world be roaming free with little to no consequences, the drunkest, meanest, stinkiest, tannest lads and lassies ye will ever meet—Daytona Beach, Florida. 

I’m sure you’re the kind of person who likes culture. Maybe you own shirts with buttons. I don’t know. Maybe you’ve read a book without pictures for some reason. Maybe you use a napkin when you eat. I’ll tell you openly and honestly, because I’m that kind of person, that I was a little bit behind in the culture department. It’s not that I don’t admire culture. I’ve learned to recognize it whenever it comes on TV, except sometimes I change the channel by accident. So I admire culture, as I said, and one day I sat on the couch and thought about what it would be like to be cultured myself. I started to imagine myself as somebody who might use a napkin, but I fell asleep and spilled my potato chips.